fighting the fear.. and i'm loosing.

 it's unbelievable. 

    the amount of time just end up sitting, staring through the screen. 

    there was a time, i could just type.. endlessly about anything. secure in myself. proud, nearly fearless. believing in myself. i've faced some pretty big demons in the past. demons that never seem to die.. it was nothing to toss them aside and move forward in victory. it was not victory though. no it was a methodical stripping of everything i was and dreamed of becoming. i silenced. everyone breathed a sigh of relief. fear beat me, it beat me with success as it's weapon. i have to change something. myself ended when i silenced my voice. you can roll your eyes and brush me off as just another emo temper tantrum. And thats okay, but you ( who ever is reading this) must understand  this will be the single most feared filled post i've ever posted. fear from the fallout.. the punishment that will follow with out a doubt.

 

    where do i start.  for one, i think this is more for me, for some reason i don't keep.. no. no that isn't right at all.. i stopped keeping a home journal. due to fear.

    i keep lying to myself.  i keep justifying ... it has to be called out.

42 year old male. presenting uncontrolled trauma bonding.

perceptions through the eyes of a underdeveloped teenager. my brain is aging. the reality around me tearing down the imposed delusions.

42 year old male, presenting uncontrolled trauma bonding, depression, anxiety, suicidal.

subject suffering from intense social paranoia, trust issues as a result of years of gas lighting, verbal abuse, violence.

i can't talk to my friends. i can't tell my parents. i used to be so free, so vocal. everyone needs to know, everyone needs to see.. see... See ME. see the words trapped behind my fear. except you. you know, you prevent my voice.. stolen.. gutted .. i sought help.  you can't control that. can you ?

    42 year old male, presenting uncontrolled trauma bonding, depression, anxiety, suicidal. socially withdrawn, social anxiety, self harming.

subject suffering from intense social paranoia, trust issues as a result of years of gas lighting, trauma bonding, verbal abuse, violence.  subject repeats a quote when stressed " his car is like his second home". subject claims that quote is what brought him here.  further questioning results in tremors and crying.

42 year old male, presenting uncontrolled trauma bonding, depression, anxiety, suicidal. socially withdrawn, social anxiety.  memory failure, delusions. 

    subject returned, showing signs of hope? diminished once session proceeded, subject refusal of self harm treatment, encouraging. questioning subject causing walls to flake and crack. soon after subject broke down, devolving into wailing fits while crying.

    Interestingly the subject seem to be able to acknowledge his need for assistance. suicide may be preventable. The only legible words during this session, "lie" "help" "truth" the word lie repeated multiple times. subject ended session in nearly unresponsive state, only acknowledging basic non related questions.

    i am that 42 year old male. and, i am in ( redacted text i can't handle the punishment )

- 33 minutes, still can not press publish -

 today  i am so filled with anger.  getting shafted at work. getting shafted at home.. the world is so full of manipulations. "what can you do about it so chill" i hear that alot lately. it drives me so mad. i don't want to chill, i want to fight, i want to change the shit that is wrong. period. i want to rage and yell into the depths of the people around me. they all have forgotten me, at least until they need some thing.i need to act but i am unable. i don't control myself but i loose my control daily..  and im so mad i'm ready to give in and let go.. just scrap and fight until  theres nothign left.. so tired. so hurt, so angry.

den's story

 hmm whats next, another order , ha.. another story to tell.. hmm I've been trying to sit down and put this to paper. 

        With in that six months I spent with Den. I learned a lot about the world I've never seen since. I watched her parents crumble under the changing world. You see the eighties were a boom decade. The boom trickled down into the nineties and with it, the stress's of paying mortgages, layoffs and repossessions. Den's medical cost were sinking the family. they had to move her out of the hospital and into their home. A home the  the bank foreclose on.  Den's father between jobs, her mother drinking endless amounts of booze. 

    about a week after they moved Den, they fired the nurse and sent her home. they truly couldn't afford it, not with all the cash they spent on booze and bills they already had.  I offered to help where I could. turning her in the bed, cleaning, monitoring machines. writing in charts and submitting over the phone to her doc. it was simple enough work. once a day a nurse from hospital would come in and do the med stuff or anything requiring more advanced knowledge.  

    I spent great care for my friend. I fed her, changed bandages and spent my time learning the skills to help  even more.  By the second month, Dens parents had officially failed in life. The bank's and sheriff were at the door, legal papers in hand. They yelled and fought quite hard. In the end we had to move Den to my families house. I still don't know what happened to the rest of her family. It was like they just gave up, walked away. After we had den settled in, i heard  her mother was arrested for assault against the police,  the last time I saw her father he was getting into an old 79 Chevy long box and drove off. her brother I've never met. he was never home. he never came home either.

    I had larger problems tho. den hadn't woken up in almost 4 weeks,  by the end of the 3 months, the paper work to have Den placed under my families care wasn't finished, the doctors all said there was nothing they can do, as we had no right to her file, or information. horrible, but legally they were not wrong and couldn't afford to chance a law suit. we had to wait. 

    day 4 of the 3rd month of recovery- I'm in the waiting room. Nurses busing themselves with chores and charts. medical equipment  chiming and beeping at random. The Air, still, weighted heavily with disinfectant.  Den had finally reach a point the doctors could do their thing.  i watch the minutes tick by like hours. fiddling with school work long past due, I couldn't tell you what the work was. i must have passed out, i was brought to conscious world when I felt a strong old hand patting my back.
    " I can't tell you much, giving your not family. but I can tell you she will pull through." A tall Man in a white coat, his hands tucked deep into the pockets now. looked me square in my eyes. 

    "Look, i know you care and want to help your friend but you can't keep this up for much longer. She will be out for some time, and I don't know if your family is prepared for the burden, certainly not with cost of the legal work. you have to make a choice, your family has to make this choice. If you choose to bring her back to your place, you will need to have proper basic first-aid or triage training. i wish I could tell you more, i wish I could give you the answers you need. Until the papers are sorted this is the best advice I can give you. " I nodded and told him we've already paid for patient transport and thanked him for his help. 

    Nothing really changed for me and Den, until she opened her eyes in the beginning of December. The machines, IV's and what not come off, and returned to the hospital. I spent days and days helping her get caught up on her school work. i spent the same time, helping her deal with the loss of her family. I had manged to save her stuff, and used it to decorate her new room. I think, I know this was the hardest of all the challenges we've ever faced. she wouldn't cry, or show the hurt or the resentment inside her. I would ask questions, poke here and prod there. nothing. nothing but heated, mean words fired at me like searing hot rivets being nailed into my heart. I stood my ground. 

    in the nights, while she slept. i cried, i prayed. i wrote letter after letter to her, to her mother and father. I pleaded with my self to make sense of the burns inside me from all of this.  

    Christmas had arrived. i snuck into Den's room early in the morning, quietly replaced the little xmass tree by her night stand. putting the decoration back into place and was about leave a gift, when i was startled by Den's voice. " Weak." a single word, i looked directly at her. my hands were shaking, my pulse booming away in my ears.   

    " I don't want to be here you know." she announced

    " I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" I replied.  she felt the insult before I could finish it..

     " you know what, I'm so sick of you acting like some hero for having me in this house and quote Helping me unquote. you must look like a real fucking saint to the rest of the town." she quickly spat back at me. I could help but chuckle.

Twitched 1

   I'm supposed to tell you a story, it was my own choice. so I'm here writing out some rambles. I want to tell you about a soul I know. she's been with me for many many years. when we met, i was very small, young. our families  knew each other and of course we played together.

    Months, years went by. we talked and played together nearly daily. we grew together. at times we ended up working together, we did our chores together. Our school classes were the same. we discovered the world together. With all this time passing, naturally we bonded. we cared, and respected each other. we loved each other like brother and sister.

    By the time we grew into teenagers, our understanding of each other was profound. Being of reasonable age, and living in a time that allowed us to venture forward into our lives, alone and unguided by parents. We maintained our connection, spending most our time together.  We discovered crushes and love interests of our own, we faut and argued over many differences while we grew, but our bond only became stronger.

    Now I want to give some perspective on the time line here. the time we spent together was of 15-ish years. from young infants to middle teenagers.  I bring this up to help people realize how much of our lives were spent together. Even tho 15 years isn't much time in the grand spec of life. It was enough time to learn and understand the value of life, the pain of loss, hopes and so much more.

         while we were young, as a bonded pair we could lean on each other. when the world rained hell down on our families and our parents were wrought with stress, consumed by the pressures of adult hood, unable to tend to their growing childer. we had each other. when the classes became hard, and school bullies unrelenting, we had each other's back. 

    It became instinct to wake up and call her, or she would already be calling me. fishing? hiking? what would the day bring us.. to the forests out lining the small city we lived in? would we go the the inner city theater's for a showing, Or simply reminding each other of school work due that day.  there was nothing in our lives that we did alone, for any reason.

    My grand mother, a women over 90 years and hard learned in the old world traditions of paganism. referred to us an old souls bound by antiquity. kinda odd thing to tell two kids, but we took it to heart. It made sense. 

    Although, we felt an intense love and respect for each other, we did not engage ourselves to the idea of lovers. maybe it was because we were still to young to understand that aspect of life. maybe it was because we didn't feel the need to add more pressure to our own lives together. we were happy to be each other and in each others company.   

    *****

    Summer 1995 june

    we had run off into the forest that Friday night. a tent, some food,bottle of jacks finest, a fire starter log and some good books. batteries for our disk man cd player. It was a cold night tho, and the fire did little to warm us. we spent the night telling each other grand tales of adventurers slaying demons and saving town folk.. we told each other mystic poems and pretend prayers of the old ways. it was an  amazing night, ending with us acting as though were we those great adventures , settling in for the night. a long rest if you play dnd .. it was corny, but it was just us and we were drunk. 

    I woke in the morning, dried out, head pounding and a low rumbling purr clicking in my ears.. I was blurred, barely aware of where i was or what time it was. I reached to unzip the tent door, my hand fell forwards and i half rolled out of the tent onto the moist cold dirt covered rocks of the Canadian shield. it seemed I was still drunk. trying to get a hold of my bearings, using a near by tree to pull myself upright, i cleared the haze from my mind and eyes the best i could. i wandered a bit out of the camp  to take a piss. my eyes watering so much i couldn't rightly see straight.

    After the morning dues, I turned and cleared my eyes again... taking in the camp site properly for the first time. I saw the books we brought tossed about the area, our food scattered around, half torn wrappers and bags.  stumbling around slowly picking up our mess??  I slowly became aware to the fact that my friend wasn't in the tent.  

     A lightening bolt of panic consumed me for a moment, but i pushed it aside thinking she's probably walking it off as well, or using the ladies room... by this point my ears burning with drunken heat alerted me to that guttural purring that seemed to penetrate my body deep into my bones. I paused my clean up and tried to center my mind. it was so hard to concentrate on what i was doing. through the odd purring noise and the lazy wisps of wind and fog lofting around the early morning  i heard something.. what was it? i looked around confused.


    wait, i thought. where are the morning birds?  the forest is deathly quite, save for the random moan of old trees swaying with the wind. i could feel a chill, unnatural, painfully cold building in my gut. scanning around, the drunk haze clearing, my mind step forward form the realm of the inebriated to stone cold sober as made eye contact with a large feline face, mouth slightly a jar, emitting a low guttural purring like growl. 

    you would think, at that moment i would be blasted with fear and fear was certainly a factor. I wasn't concerned with fear though. i stood frozen, still, solid as a rooted tree. like a high definition speaker, the sound of a women doing everything she can to hold in her own pain for the sake of others sought out my heart. 

    I could see the trail of glistening blood pooling at the bottom of a slender pine tree.  the cat rush forward in a bluff, I stepped into it while reaching for our hatchet. the cat didn't give any ground and neither did I.  this wasn't a warning situation, the cat wasn't protecting her young, or territory. this cat was a hunter, hungry and we made camp in her home. this cat was hunting us.

    It lunged forward, I jumped to the side, in a circling dance of attack and dodge we moved. it felt like hours, the cat would jump and swat while hissing and roaring. i would do my best to dodge and swing my hatchet.  "help" faint, weakening and focus shattering word. glancing up the tree, my friend barely hung on, her limbs showing limp as a seemingly unending trickle of blood made it's way down the trunk of the tree and into the growing pool..
    I broke eye contact, the cat pounced, i pushed into the animal with all the rage and fear i could bring forward, swinging that hatchet as hard and as fast as i could. my world went black as the body of the cat engulfed my view, the weight pressed me into the rocky ground, unable to breath.  A cracking sound off in the distance, branches giving way to the falling weight of my friend, her body giving a final gasping dull thud on the ground with a sickening smack as the pool of blood gave way.

    my pulse pounding in my head. i pushed back and squirmed out from underneath that cat, it hissed and wobbled around, a gaping wound in the side of it's head.  stunned and injured  it did it's best to run off. i wasn't about it give chase. drawing in my center the best i could, i breathed out, a fear induced scream, louder then anything i could do today..  i rushed to her, carefully inspecting her nearly naked body, the cat had shredded her abdomen, but hadn't actually ripped it open. i cried when I realized what might happen today.. and against my own will, i rose up and began to shred the sleeping bags. tending to her wound as best i could.. tight knots and thick stuffing in the and around the wounds. snapping off branches that had pierced her on the way down, securing them in place. each cut, each hole, each rip in her skin I tended to the best i could. she had lost alot of blood, could be bleeding inside. we have to go.

    void of emotion, feeling, or sensation i put together a means to drag her securely out of the forest, there a road not to far from where we were.. surely i could find help. as i dragged her, i kept checking for her heartbeat, her body cold and clammy from the morning mist and sweat of her injuries.  At one point, she coughed, i stopped and check on her. she wasn't breathing.  i punched her in the chest, just above the diaphragm, little to the right, i heard her sternum crack. her eyes shot open and she gasped for air like a drowning victim.  we made eye contact for moment before her eyes rolled. cold and distant, i heard my voice order her to keep fighting.

    i don't remember the rest. i woke up in the hospital, 89 stitches and a cracked shoulder blade.  my friend survived, and i lived with her for 6 months. not leaving her side until she was home and mostly recovered. 

that's it.. for now. there always more.

I feel like my world is dying.
I lay in this bed like I'm crying, no tear is shed, my soul is long dead. Counting minutes, hours and days, I can't help but wish my life away.
In every breath I take, I can hear the criticisms you will make.
Paralyzed with fears, I peel back the layers and years.
Seeing the past, a constant theater of how long the pain can last.
Into My sickness I recede, my fight is over, I concede.

Disjointed recant.

I was told to write. I was told to put my story on paper and give way to healing. I was told lies. my keyboard is broken. Like my head and all the thing I was taught. in one light I am a man of war, in comparetive to life. on the front lines everything I was taught as a kid in preperation, was a lie.  forced with a choice to hold onto the lessons I learned or let then go and reform new rules to survive. mortars boom across my mind while victems of the living attrosity that is life wail and scream, drowning out most off the the commen sense and reason I was prepared with. lights flash, blinding my eyes and my body shivers and weakens to the cold blood lust that is the "Real World".  I was told to write. I was told to let it out. I was told the same lies as anyone else in my position. 


            Raked with pains, devoid of love, shattered and rended to mere bite size morsels of what is defined as "living" I am forced with no thought to act.  With disgust and horror I watch my twisted form regain its stance and begin again, again  over the top I go.  with a heavy breath, I charge with my "comrades?", I can feel the mud and soil of the rotted ancestors before me sink beneath the weight of my steps. One weak and fruitless step after another I charge as ordered. that heavy breath burning my lungs, " I have to do this!" I yell inside me as loud as I can muster.  I can feel the toxic gases of chemical warfare that is the Tax to "live" Seep deep into my ill suited corpus.



          I can feel myslef fall, over and over again.. I try to remember. I try to think of everything I was taught.. I fight like the shape shifting terminators drowning in lava... new form, new effort, every chance for naught. I can not end this, I didn't start it.. I'm just stuck in the middle of it.  " you make your own reality" that what they said.. they Lied. that time has past. that control is a lie for the ones like me. we never had control. they forced the chemicals down our throat. they forced the sub-concious image's from the tvs, radios, and computers deep into the our young and bewildered minds. we were born masters of our fate, molded to be the peons for the weak..  I remember you....


between this disjointed recant I remember you.


        not old enough for school.. being attacked on that bus, over and over .. I remember it well.. well enough. class after class, I refused to drink it. the bright green sweet smelling mixture in that paper daisy cup.. in front of that entire single room school house I refused to drink it. I remember watching that women beat that kid.. that small indian school girl in blue sweats... I remember hearing her scream and cry while you, the one in control administered your one room school room discipline. I held that cup... I refused you. I refused to drink it.. even when you held my nose closed, with the weight of your own uneducated mass.. it wasn't my choice. I knew it was bad.  the teacher wouldn't have it. not in her class.

in forced submission I drank it. I became the ignorant. the stupid. the accepted.. and everyday since that first encounter with authority I've nearly pissed myself in fear... amongst the nightmares I own, you teacher are the worst.. in the hours it takes me to write this bewteen the fear riddeen shivering and convulsions of  sobbing tears.. I hope you are dead, and will never read this.

  I drank the floride in fear. today I can not even remember the basic things I should. today I see the faces of my past and I can't place When" I saw them. I can remember how to spell.. grammar, fractions. Thaat doesn't me I can't as I say it. what takes me days, months even.. take others mere minnutes.   dear teacher - I am your product of ignorance.

Phone still broke

Dam it

New phone

Okay so I got my phone setup to use this. I don't know how this will turn out but I hope it wil work so I can post more often. Been working fair amount. To busy. Guess I'll get caught up soon

It has been way to long, I know. the "new System" i was working on went belly up, along with my job and pretty much the life I was living lol.. not all bad not al good.  I've moved so far from who I am now that I just don't know any more. Almost all my dream have fallen short of success, doesn't stop me though.  still engaged, still 2 kids with Asd.


  I've lost my old blog and still am trying to retrieve it again. I hope to finish what I had started so long ago, if only for a printable archive. To be honest I don't even know why I came back here. I used to love to write, I used to have the creative energy of nuke. now though I'm just tired, as I've always been but now It's different. with my fatigue comes apathy and depression. My Thoughts no longer fill with rage and ambition, but darkened doubt and betrayal.

wow okay i've lost my job that suxs =\ but either way I got my old blog back and accessing it now.. updates to ensue..

3rd times the charm?

Trying to do this from my phone.. Wowzers. The reason ive not been able to update myblog often as i was is because ive been working alot and have a new system im trying to work out the bugs on, but soon as i can get my files and shit off the old system i'll be able to get back at it. Hang in there, good posts are incoming

quick update - not dead

Wow.. sorry that ym post cut off, i've been working alot lately.. I will be providing more as soon as I can to finish what I had started here. so much to get caught up on!!! hoping this sunday I will have the time to get things finished and move on to a new topic.
Thanks for the page views!

sorry

will be posting updates this week.. got a new job and is taking some time

part 8 old blog, getting juicy

more the older stuff

************

14 Apr 2007

coming undone

do you remember

sometimes
ahh, can you still hear her..
no.. yes.. I dont know .. its been so long..
not really.. I mean .. i'm in here too.. I know how you feel.. not much different from then .. dont you
yes, yes I can hear her. fuck it.. I can even remember the warmth of her pooling blood as it spilled out of her body drenching me.. I remember the sirens.. the lights.. the drunk wandering around trying to figure out where he was.. his car parked in some ones bedroom.. I dont think they'll be waking up. I rememebr it all.. why the fuck do you ask.
you asked your self.
fuck you
oh come now.. you were so young back then.. how could you possibly feel like this.
you dont under stand. she is the nameless wonder of my life.. a women so beautiful... her long red flowing hair... her freckles and classic emerald eyes... her pure pale skin.. I may have been young.. but not young enough to not know love.
you were just friends.. you never laid a hand onher.. although.. it must have been temping, considering she trusted you so much, to change in front of you like you where a girl friend of hers..
I loved her as though she was the only friend I would ever have.
you ever think maybe she did that to you as a tease..
you dont understand dam it.. it wasn't like that.. she .. arg... it would have been impossble for her to do that.. that kind of shit just wasn't her..
its a shame though.. you ever wonder what would have come of you two .. if she hadn't wanted to walk home from the dance with you.
I miss her so much.
to think you could have been something I bet.. made a man of yerself so to speak.
fuck you .. why you always gota go there..
cause you wont.
its dam good you dont have a body of your own.
heh... oh look.. remember..
yes.
you were the last person she saw.
I know.
the last one to hold her as she spilled out on to the sidwalk.
stop
remember her smile.. her broken teeth, torn face..
please .. stop
you remember what she said.
I'lll never forget.. but I'm going to forget you now..
oh ? how so..
with beer.
oh .. clever.
no .. i'm giving up now.. you win..

(in memory of a lost friend.)

***************

30 Mar 2007

slave with out a master

Current mood:horny

its cold here, so cold and dark in this smal hollow I've created.. I can hear the echo's of life around me, and I press harder against the walls, want more and more to escape the vile cheerfulness of the sun,and the people wiith in it. solitude is my craving. their laughter grates along my spine like nails on a chalk board. I want my leather.. I miss my collar so much.. once I was safe in the confines of servitude to my master.. she was such a beautiful woman, adorned with spikes black pvc and leather.. merciless as well. she wouldn't tolerate the laughter, the joy around me now.. she would have made it all go away. I miss the pain of her Flogs, the sting as her nails cut into my skin as she commanded me to pleasure her in ways that truely defiled the purity of love. I miss the cold heartless stare she would give me before she would bless me with furies session of rending lashes and cigerette burns..

I miss my dungeon....

old blog part 7- insanity at it's best

more older  blogs, enjoy share it if you could please lol would like to get this stuff out and read/commented on.... in english please
**********
18 Mar 2007

mad ramblings

Current mood:tired

its in there.. I know it is.. i've felt it a hundred times before.. and old fire.. beyond the years of my life.. beyond that which time it self has tracked.. a fire burning. white hot, an endless flame that lights my nerves a blaze with sensation. almost like being on E. but with out the fluid draining from my spine. I can't explain. but more often then not that fire has be dimmed and relitively unfelt for many years now.. with out me realizing it.. its be so far away from me. i've grown accustom to not having it around. but lately its come back.. in force, there are times when I can feel the burn inside me, so much so that I begin to sweat. I can feel the life I had before the end came to me. I know I made the choice to let it go. in hopes I could grasp control of my life again. but now its back, I'm happy to feel it again. in time to help me above the closing darkness I feel creeping across my mind and body.. I should say though. it's only when Im around certain people, do I feel the life come back to me . only when I'm with them do I feel as though I'm not some corperate drone shuffling about some grey and bleek office building making up useless policys to bring everyone else down.. well you get the idea dont you. I haven't known many people in the past 6 years now I've been reasonably non existent, or a shadow of what I used to be. its hard to brake that habit. its hard to be something other then that shadow I've known for so long. I can see the surace of the water.. even with my debts regrets and painful thoughts of remorse for my past I can feel the surface of the waters around me.. as though I'm slowly getting closer to life.. maybe I can breath freely again.. some day soon I hope. I'm so tired of this self induced purgatory I have placed myself in .. now I'm so lost that I dont remember how to swim.. and I dont think I can tread this water much longer.. so this wieght lifted from me seems to give me strength and hope that one day soon I will be me again. I'm sure you know what I mean.. the shell we place ourselves in .. the little hollow'd room with nothing but ourselves and our own demons in it. is it worth it to look beyond today .. I cant help but wonder that.. I can't help but wonder alot of things.. things that make me unsure of who I am .. I used to try to be a good person but nowa days I just try not to piss anyone off .. too much.
seen this before lost it back then.. not sure what happened.. but like most times I'll prolly fuck this up too.. they dont know me.. they dont know what I am like.. most of the friends I had didn't know me ntil it was to late as well.. and things worked out fine then.. but I still am afraid to showup and be me.. I wish I could do that again.. I want to be the freak I was so long ago. if I could figure out a means to pay the bills and still be the dark stain on public eye I was, would be a dream come true
do you ever get tired when you start to clean.. its the most fucked up thing. i start to clean the house and before I'm done with a single chore I'm so tired I could easily curl up and go to sleep.. same thing happens when I'm reading. aww fuck it.. I'm gonna go to sleep then.. ciao ciao

4:36am

old posts part 6 =)

6 Mar 2007

words, i'm coming undone

Current mood:angry

2 days now. i ben told not to come into work.. I'm so tired of this.. I can't fucking pay my bills with out work.. I want to work.. i want to work overtime... I do exactly as I'm told, I even follow dress code.. there is so many others that dont even do that.. skip work.. fuck around.. and they able to go to work, everyones happy with them.. what the fucking hell.. I dont bother anyone. hell I'm suprised anyone there even know my name.. and yet I ;m being put off.. these fucking kids.. god dam them to hell.. fucking kids that dont have rent, dont have any real bills. and if worse came to worse would have a familly to fall back on .. but here I am.. no familly no safety net of any kinda working my ass off for a company that doesn't want me there.. I'll be looking for a new job starting tomorrow.. still haven't gotten to school. I was suposed to start that a long time ago what the fucking hell.. everything was going fine.. oddly it wasn't until my roomate showed up that things have gone to shit.. and funny thing is the last time I got laid off and things went to shit was when she First moved into my place in T.O since then i've fallen so far that I'm not able to see the light.. so to speak.
I can't help but wonder is she manifesting her negative engeries and effecting my life so much that I'm suffing for it ? I know thats pretty fucking weak.. but its seems just a little odd...
no I can't let that be.. this has got to be something i'm doing.. there has to be a reason I am responcible for.. and I need to find a way to change this... I used to want to find a way out of these kind of times.. but not this time.. I need to get my ass-kicked until I smarten teh fuck up.
and so I say in the words of my favorite clowns!
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU !

******************
21 feb 2007

pictures? go to hell

last night before bed I had a short convo with someone, it was about pictures not dirty or anything but it raised a question in me this morning.. What the fuck is the big motherfucking deal deal about pictures.. anyway I told the person my head hasn't been straight and I forgot.. mainly becuase the past couple of days my suger level have been fucked up and I've been having trouble seeing straight and head eches and the such.. she told me fuck you and that was last of it.. well I hope you read this if not I'll fuckin email it to you.. all I can say is fuck you too, because if you think my health should be on the back burner in regards to you and you wants.. you can go fuck yourself 50 ways from fucking sun down and go to hell.
have a happy fuckin day!

********************
16 Feb 2007

messednup

Current mood:weird

come to me with hate, come to me with love,
come to me with saddness, come to me with joy
one day some where your going to be my toy...
I dont need your forgivness... I need your hate..
I dont need your compassion, I need your rage.
soon, you will be in this cage.
seek the fire, find the pain
seek the lights, find the rain,
its about time the blood came,
wether yours or mine it doesn't matter.
its all the same

*************8
48 and a half hours sleep dep....and still awake.

excerts of maddness (old blog part 5)

this is part 5 of the old blog.

10 Feb 2007

excerts of maddness

if I'll never seen you, why do I have to know you.. what is this.. a joke. you think you want me , you torment me with secrets words filled with desire.. filled with lust..
you dont see, you dont know the last years of this life and the effects apon me its taken. honestly I want to be left alone.. I dont want you hot lips wrapped around my cock, I dont want your tits in my face.. as I sit there listening to you talk to me.. I 'm trying to do my job, I'm trying to make my sales,
I'm trying not to exist.. the customers ask me if I'm a recording.. they understand me.. they know I dont want to be. you think I'm hot, you think I'm sexy.. you don't get it.. you dont know.. if you knew. you would scream and run from me as though I was one of the men you fear at night. no, you can't seduce me.. sadly I hate you.. i hate you blonde hair , your breast.. you body.. I hate your eyes and everything that makes you , you.. you dont realize what your inviting into your life.. even for a night, you could not sate the lust in me.. no. my desires go beyond sex, you dont understand what the female body is to me. I'm not some prize for you to mount.. it would cost so much.. my lust is for hate. you have never met the likes of me in your rich ass suburan daddies covertable life style..
so what your wearin punk clothes and have some steel in your body.. you dont have it. I can't expess this .. I dont think I'll ever be able to.. I dont think people realize. when my eyes stare into an unseen thought.. that thought is of me bathing in you blood.. whilst sipping fine wines.. you dont understand my desire is to defile you and your mind in ways that you'll never be able to repair.. the hate in me makes it so.. the love in me makes me hate you even more.. and ever time you lean into to whisper another secret word of how you think you could please me, my mind reels in pleasure knowing that I could simple bite so deep into your throat that you would not beable to scream... the fact that your warm blood you claim to be making you so hot for me... would run down along my chin and staining my dress shirt.. its your fear that turns me on, it's your pain thats sates me .. its watching you suffer inconfusion that I want.. I rend your flesh from your bones and feed it to you.. even if you knew this.. you'd not be able to grasp why, theres people out there that know.. they understand why... its teh hate, sure, true, pure hate for you.. no.. not you. the hate has no targets it just hates.. constanct, hot like white smithing fires.. it burns in the viens. it makes your body eche, it makes your nerves shake and tremble. its what makes me sweat.
what would you say.. if I told you I wanted your still beating heart placed in my grasp as I showered in the blood from your body.. how would you take the fact that for the sheer point of killing you would be the closest to making my blood cool down for less a moments time.. no you dont understand what it is to hate.. if you did.. we wouldn't know each other.. not the way you want. no it is time for you to leave me in grace, as though I was solem tombstone left and forgotton.

part4 now? part 5 maybe? lol

just a few more old posts to read through, I haven't read this one. .it's short and Il lpost more tonight  or asap ! been busy with trying to find work ..and food..

******

9 Feb 2007

fuckin jocks

Current mood:amused

today I almost lost my job.. but I guess its all good.. see there was this fucker.. mothing off , yo know the type.. big ass football jock mouthin bout how people who spend there life writting are useless cause a lot of the time they dont have any other talents and are trying to hide th efact by saying writting is a talent..
I try not to be an angry man.. I try to keep my ears to myself, but when you have a jock mouthing off behind you in the next cube.. its not hard to hear..
I turned around, and said " you know in some instance you may have been right, but as a writer.. heh.. well let me show you what talents we do have."
I reached up around his throat, lifting him off his chair I face planted his bitch ass off the edge of the cube, tossing in a kidney shot that made him piss himself, then flipped his stunfucked body over the middle wall that seperates that row of cubes and landed a swift, heavy shot into his gut, just below his ribs, stealing his breath. I was escorted outta the building and told to take a break as the "stress" of tele-marketting has taking its toll .. I couldn't stop laughing.. I haven't hurt anyone like that in a long time, as those days are behind me.. but fuck .. it felt good.. that son of a bitch is twice my girth in muscle... and at least 6 inches taller than me.. fuck .. if ever I felt like a kid again.. it was today

*******

28 Jan 2007

Fooled

i dont know what I'm thikning anymore .. I dont know where I'm going.. I feel so old yet my mind feels so childish.. how do I grow up.

will be posting mroe tonight,  been busy days again!

The Ride Home

more stuff from old

26 Jan 2007

The Ride Home

Current mood:lonely

It was cold, I was so tired, I hate ridding busses so it wasn't like i was going to sleep ,there was a few of us on the bus that night. not that I was paying any care to it, the only concern I had was a scuffle outside the buss with a drunk and the driver refusing his ticket.. thankfully the driver won with the police help he was removed.
The bus lerched forward, I took off my jacket content in knowing I had the back of the hound to myself. I didn't see her, I didn't know she was watching me. the faint smell of her french perfume wafted near me, but unfazed I pulled out my loved copy of dante's inferno.
Slowly reading through page by page, I failed to notice she had moved into the seat closes to the walk way. It wasn't until the bus shuddered and the sound of the sleep rails (sleep rail- series of divits cut into the shoulder of the road to alert you when your drifting to close to the edge.) rattled me to attention that I noticed her. I jumped up dropping my hard cover book onto my groin I grunted at a mild pinch of pain.
In the hue of blue from the back lights of the bus I stared directly into her beautiful chestnut eyes, watching them shimmer in the passing lights of a car going the oposit direction. time stopped, and allowed me to burn her face into my mind, her cheeks strong and firm yet rounded just enough to give her soft, almost caring look to her. when she smiled at me with her midnight black lips revealing her polished teeth perfectly allined. her pale skin looks as though she was dead or had been frozen maybe.. with the contrast of the lighting and her make up. her hair flowed staticless around her slender smooth flawless neck, as though it was made of statin. resting solftly around the neck of her leather trench.
cocking my head slightly to the side as if to silently inquire if she needed anything, I was about to actually talk to this undead goddess but I couldn't. spell bound, entranced by her flawless, divinely awe striking beauty I was powerless.. I couldnt move. I was .. afraid. I could feel my self beging to shudder with embarasment. I could feel a cold bead of sweat begining to form just under my hairline. had the driver turn on the heat.. I couldn't tell.. I wanted to move, I wanted to say something.. I couldn't.. the fear consumed me. me of all people the guy that can walk down young street in T.O while wearing a black pvc fetish gear in broad daylight while singing lala'byies... couldn't talk or move. I didn't want her to go, I didn't want her to get "wierded" out by my staring. I was afraid to beak this moment.
as though time herself understood my desire for it to wait just only a moment, I sat there watching as her lips form into a curl, her hand raising up and over me, picking up my book in slow motion.. " I love dante's work." her voice was to me as the voice of a siren, calling to me.. filling me with goose bumps. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stiffen.
" And what do I owe the honor of your divine undead presence?" I calmly and slowly whispered out.. thinking to myself.. no screaming to myself " you Fucking Lame punk bitch ass fool.. what the fuck did you do the cheese line ffor.."
she turned placing one of her pale smooth knees on the seat between us, bringing her other leg forward and using her hands to crawl her way gracefully to my ear. her sweet breath sending the warmest shivers across my ear and spine as she spoke " read to me, the tails of the lustful circles of hell." I felt like I was in love, my veins instantly let a flame, burning pure white, my eyes cleared and it seemed as though I was seeing life though a HD (high deffinition) TV.
I watched her reach up to turn of the over head light, pausing only to check on the driver, who was blindly driving away. the backlight of the bus was enough for me to see the words, with her slim firm body press hard into mine as though she was cold, I began. It wasn't until I was into the flow of the peom that she again leaned into whisper another secret to me. nibbling on my neck, I did the best I could to maintain the flow of the write, she whispered to me " if you promis not to touch me, I promis I'll touch you". I lost my flow.. how could I not.. I nodded while I picked when I left off. I reread the second cantos of hell to her pretty much the rest of the way to T.O. only stopping when needed to. I would if I thought I could describe what she did to me on that trip. but alsas I have no more words for you. but in rememberance even now I shake from it. her touch so warm, her kiss like deep spiced wines of lore. her intoxicating voice wishpering sinful bliss. I know her name, but I will not for respect.
this is my trip to toronto. the women of my dreams, in a sence. the one girl I could feel .. by feel I mean feel the emotions she was expressing that night.
you may beleive this, you may not.. personally I dont give a fuck lol.. because I'll never forget this. .not for even a moment ..

in final note, my kitty is 3 this year I beleive, and i'll coment on the other coments I've gotten soon as I can.

2:08 AM

old blogs part 3

another couple of posts, from the shorter stuff

*******************

22 Jan 2007

Mad World

*song - Mad World*

got home this morning.. I'm tired.. I feel so old, dried up and useless.. I am not hung over although this weekend was filled with drinking. a rare things for me. a pint and I want to go to sleep usually.. this weekend I realized I haven't grown up as much as I trusted myself. the bus ride to T.O was awsome.. I mean I'll get into that in its own time.. because the events in that ride deserve more .. the weekend was amazing when I was sober.. I got to see some of reg and susi's wedding tapes. heard reg's speach.. that hit home on more then one level. I know what he said in his speach about how I how I helpped him hook up with suszi was in the best of playing around.. but hes struck true when refering to me as a drunking shit desturber.. not that I would try to denie it, I was back then.. and sfter this wekend I can not say other wise, mind ou I didn't raise any shit this time *chcuckles* I just got blitzed and spent 3/4 of my cash at a skin club... good thing my next cheque is coming on the 2 feb so I can pay the rent..

**********************

sent papers out. waitting on gov to k..


mental note.. find more women open to one nighters, for visits to random cities across ont. cause coming to T.O rocks. getting drunk as I am rocks.. but not getting a peice cause all your old connections moved blows.. more on this later though.. had one hella bus ride to T.O

***********************

crazy haze

wow crazy crazy day.. I swear sometimes there a voodoo dool roamin around some where.. wierd pains in me head sharp peircing pains its weird.. they go away so I'm not concerned... I've had then for years now, anyway to is good, not much different from the last day cept.. its good, I'm happy and shits feeling alright.. be getting light headed but meh, I cut back on smoking so thats prolly done it. the room mate found out she has to have her gull bladder removed, an enlarged liver and some thing to do with a a limp in her ... ermm some place I can't remember where.. but I hope.. I hope this helps her so much.. I hope it takes most of her pains away so that she can get on with her life.. its the first time the doctors have said anything thats made sense to me.. I dont want her to suffer and I dont want her to sit on the couch the rest of her life, I want to see her excel where she wants, to make her dreams come reality.. its what makes what ever I have givin up for her worth it. its a secret hope mind you, one that she may read here.. but I'll not reveal it.. she has to become her self.. and depended on only her self.. my hands no longer reach to help her up anymore..

okay side of that I been holding up papers looking at them and putting them back in the draw.. there forms for grants, loans and small bussiness info.. I have a bussiness plan, I have all teh infromation ready and filled out. I just need to sign it. soon i figure. its an online bussiness its simple with low over head, and a lil secret weapon that has yet to been done.. I know 4 years watching and researching to make sure.. but still I come home look at the forms all I gotta do is sign.. I dont know I say, am I ready..
maybe I haven't grown up all that much... maybe I just need to suck it up and get over myself..
no dreams now.. no sleeping until tomorrow. after work.

part 2 of the old blog

Again old blogging recap
*********

17 Jan 2007

who knows..

Current mood:drained

*i know this site is public, but I request if you take something from my blog as a quote or other wise, i ask you to ask me first and formost. Please.*

heh.. i made it back. wierd.. maybe typical. I dont get it, been pretty up beat about things for some time. but latley I've just gone down. I guess its to be expected though. I was with a girl for 4 years this aug. was engaged to marrie her and all that. I should have known better. theres a long story to her, but the deal is I helpped her up outta the gutter so to speak, and while doing so I found myself attracted to her, inturn her to me and we fucked like rabbits, naturally. the relation went on and things were... decent.
then we moved to a new city while I tried to work out a future that would keep us both in a good spot, no it wasn't illegal eitehr, but then lies, drugs more drugs, and some more drugs wasted her away from me.. then stealing .. I left her. for a month I was happy, felt good .. aware of myself being a human being.. away from her I felt as though I had a chance. she was suposed to go to school, that didn't happen.. many times now.. finally before I left her I told her get her life in order and we have a chance.. build your own life in your own way, on your own now.. I'm not our dady and you need to do this yourself for our sakes...
I left. shes living with me again.. until sept. shes suposed to go to school.. I couldn't say no. she has no were else to go. so we were to remain friends. and thats it in a nut shell you have the life of the sucker upto date.. 26 full years of it.. dam it..
when we started I told her it may not last and you'll need to be ready for it. when we moved she promised no more drugs and was going to grow up.. the same month we moved she broke that promis.. the biggest promis of all she took from me.. I told her to not give up. if you give up and let go of all we had built together for our future, then I'll give up on you and leave.
I kept my word I left. and shes here.. still.. telling her friends that we've worked it out.. he mom even doesn't know. like there some hope between us. like some Fucking mirracale is going to erase the past. no .
now that she has her cable tv plugged in and such Im sure she'llo be cozy on the couch.. what ever I dont care anymore, I mean she pays half teh rent, food and all her half the bills, thats a plus. makes it easier for me to pay my bills. and with more bills I pay off the closer I am to stepping into a new life for myself.
my worry is that inablity to except the fact its over is going to collide headstrong into my life and knock it over.. I dont have a plan for that.. and I wont make one. if that happens I want my instints to over ride my common sense. I feel trapped now.. and i see teh cage.. then maybe my body will react in a way that will release me from this circle I'ce gotten caught into.. either way. if I can work myself out of it then I will. and I do hope I can work it out peacfully. mind you if I need pay in blood ( so to speak) I will ..
* dreams*
I have a face, it sees me, all of me, it knows of me in ways I beg to understand. so beautiful, calmingly horrorific, silent and judging its gazes straight through me and beyond to some unseen location, I can not move not anymore.
solid and fluid. its only when a red fog fills the area do I realize I'm in a pool, a large one and the fog is not fog at all, its blood.. thick, warm, deluted enough for me to see that face, floating there in the aquatic silence
I'm cast out. yet remain in the same place, unable to swim.. I know I'm not breathing now, my lungs burn. gasping I plead for air... the blood seeps into my lungs, my skin.. I can feel it filling my eyes. against my will my body stiffens and shakes. shuddering, I can feel my life dieing with in me. it raises alone and confused my life left me .. to rott in that pool.
i am not knowing why or how, I live yet have felt my death, my roots shimmer in the spiraling light from above, I see them.. all of them.. millions of hands, arms and body parts all connected to form a flesh restraint holding me.. killing me ..
In the bottom, the parts course around me all taking there turn holding me there under the bloodied pool .. the stench of rotted corpses fills my nostrels and the whails of the unsated dead shatter my ear drums over and over.
my body ejects its contents while my eyes seem to poor from their sockets, my skin splits, cracks and peels from the bones of my body as my organs begin to float around me, yet still attatched to my muscle structure.my neck gives way. my sight falls again to the floor of the pool, now filling with thousands of gaping faces calling to me with voiceless cries.
thats where I see her. the one face not gaping at me, forcing a deathly blue radiance in the hue of red that fills this pool. that slender, strong flawless face with the silken blue hair that was once blond. her amber eyes seem to fire the grief of millions at me, as though I am to blame for what ever missfortune visited her.
I accept it, with a ravenous lust. embodied with only the purest of hate, the finest pains of depressions, the whitest fires of hells raging tempers, and the most exquisit lusts found in the planes of all that isn't natural. I join the wails.. I join the cries, the screams . .. I begin to cry
*end dream*
this is when I wake. this dream has haunted me nearly every day for the 10 years of my life. i dont understand it.. some times I'm afraid of it.. other time I lust to see her face again.. just once.. its sick. its fucked up.. but its in my head so what ever ..

REHASH OF MY OLD BLOGS pt.1

okay first off let me say this is th efirst of a blog I started back in 2007 I think it was.. **********************************************************

16 Jan 2007
remerance
Current mood:curious
shouldn't be here, shouldn't have came.. a single card from image arts, Fucking christmas.. the cards late, not that it was expected.. no text just a picture of her. no reason. like most things in the imatations that some like us call life action with out reason. the lessons learn through the eyes.
this is one of many thoughts merged into one paragraph. its a quick insight to how a mind can work. and how a single persons perception can twist and defile the purest of intentions.  you wouldn't beleive it I supose that the above said text contains at least 15 full lenght subjects but because for what ever the reason that is how the mind  of one person process's information.
  this could end up being a habit, but most likely not. I used to keep a online write before long time. Now I do not know if I will have the ability to keep effort in this or if it will float slowly to the background and eventually fall into the cold empty digital space that is the internet, only to be view by some fucked up mal-formed abomination of cybernetic's and flesh the human path of evolution seems to be heading, 1000 years from now.


when I used to use my writes, I used to cut, part of the reason I stopped writting. now I've grown up. Not that I ever lost the craving.. interesting thing cutting.. wouldn't recomend it.  I guess that since this be the first "blog" ive written I should prolly spit out some bullshit about myself.. and since most would have stopped reading by now I figure the rest if anyone who reads this deserve some explaination.
names paul, aka ravenlie had a sister once, had a mother, father. one them family things. I gave it up for the most part. wont get to far into that.. it comes out in my writes anyway. grew up watching my dad beatin my mom, my mom beatin my dad, fighting with my sister and traversing canada east to west, and back.. to many fucking times to count. family taught me to lie, family taught me intolerance, hate and pain. the burns that blood can leave in a man. taught me strenght to walk alone. family brought about the turn of innocents.
  From there grew into a young adult.. tripping on my self and my ill mannered ways I came across a person I hadn't realized existed. they taught  me honor. they showed me trust and patience.  he showed me how life is suposed to be, the rights from wrongs, the tolerance of the greys... with my life in his hands, more then once, his patients saved me. I owe him more then I could ever speak .. I consider him my brother because he was the first of what I call family now. 
from there I made some mistakes, I fell into the crowds of people that roam this world looking for ways to get ahead regardless to the effects of there action. watching them scramble over each other like a hord of scourged souls in purgatory getting no where exept push back down, only pausing long enough to embrace the deluted lie that they gained something from it.

I lost my family, and I to fell. I fell into the lies, the hate washed over me again. embedded in my mind, mix with a 40 ounce every other night I lost myself. unable to accept the fate I choose, and ashamed of my failures. I hurt my family.  I to joined the masses of puragtory content to live it out.

into my early 20's  I heard a familliar voice and I follwed it, I froze for it, serious.. I waited 6 hours in 40 below outside a shut down greyhoud. my family helpped me. like a silent and warm hand reaching into the deeps of my drunk'n hell of usless repetition. I was brought to Toronto. brampton to be more exact..
I was home. over a few years there. I learned what reality was. and how I hade been blind. I was accepted, cradled by that cities diversity. able to move freely I quickly captured love, only to let it go that morning. gorging myself in the lights, sounds smell of this new home. my family carefully minding me from the distance.
that's were once again as I seem to be cursed to do, I fell. I let myself come forward. I was "mugged" many times in Bramton and toronto. I let go of what I had learned to keep hidden for some time. my anger. I only once had anything removed from me when I was mugged jumped.. or what ever you would choose to call it. I controled my anger well enough to not injure that which was dear to me. but there is many a stranger to be sorry to have bumped into me.. look at me. or even just be in arms reach at any given time.



Lost in the false lusts of strip clubs, and no better place to put my money. at my job I found my other family memeber. selling the computers I did. for a short till I told off a customer. I was giving the choice to quit or be fired. he walked with me that night after I quit... nights on nights. me him and the other we drank  and watched them girls dance. I learned how to feel good. to smile and mean it. with my drinking buds, I was alive. foolishly live.. I'll never forget the phase "aim for the middle" never.
so much has past. and much I have giving away. in the end of my adventures across this country I've learned many things, seen many faces I'll never forget or rememeber. weather it had been trains planes cars or my own to legs walking me down the entire lenght of Young st. and finch station because I was to proud to bum change I lost..  my family now is pure, strong and mine. regardless to how far away we are now. were a family like anyone elses. from it all I'm now myself. after reading this you may think I'm some foolish kid still pining over my poor me's. so to speak. I have grown up enough to know better, I enjoy many things, I work, I feel like a human. most of the time.


for the rest of teh time I have the internet and porn to sate me.<-- see a joke. yes you may giggle now.

this is a sumed up and blurred version of the past truths to cath you up to speed. mind th espelling grammer and all the other stuff I really dont give a shit about.
5:06 AM

recovering the past

well for those of u that are looking at this site, im going to be adding stufff from previous journals i've had online for the next while to place all my journalling efforts into one place.. Please know and remember that not everything I write on here is true! some of it is fact, some of it is emotion visualized into words so here it goes, stay tuned.. I have have to find old passwords lol etc

this is what i've been working on lately.. http://www.gofundme.com/11em4o i hope I dont get banned for linking this.. it's to help my son who has ASD or autisism and I dont have much other options to help him at the moment. beside my spending every last minute with him.. hence my absence

mornings

I woke up this morning in such spot.. I was filled with hate, rage anger.. my mind seem stuck in places I can't forget. I feel pain so much so often. it's sickening that this is how I am. i've spent the last few years Trying desprately to be positive. thinking and acting to the best of my ability to be happy. it's hard fucking work I say. today started like so many in the past that it's even harder not to scream out of terror I feel for the pain in me. not to mention every tim eI feel I need to change me, it always comes back to the same place. the hate, anger and pain. It's nothing for me to just stop, I've been there knocking on that door so often it's cause me more pain that I dont open the door. I have kids so I can't I have people who depend on me to be there, even if it's just for a hug. so I don't open it..

although it's like people dont get it. it's what I want, it has been for years and years.. 20+ years I've been living with the grief of living.. the pain others saught to place apon my shoulders because they couldn't bare it. the depressions and sorrows and whoes of all those people now resting soley on my shoulders, while they move forward and into a bright and lasting future it's all I can do to breath.

I want death. absolute, unlieing, total truth. the one thing in existence I can trust, love with out fear of pain, desire with out retribution. death does not have the cruelty that life offers.
for me death is simple and straight to the point. you dead, that it. if there is heaven and hell, limbo and the sorts then fine. if Im going to suffer in death then so be it.
there is no greater pain then to love a person. period. people lie, cheat, JUSTIFY there action through selfish logic. people cause pain, bring about plagues of saddness and force pain down your throat, over and over it's about them, it's about how they feel, it's about what they want, it's about what needs to be done for them to be happy.

in all the support, in all the "love" in all the life you lead with that one person you love. it's for them. all of it, even life it self seems to stop you from making that one final choice. death.
what if I chose that line, what happens if I did choose my self over the others. I would be proclaimed illegal, coward, self involved loser.

is that the truth though? would the people I was there for stand up and say that isn't right? woudl they tell their tell in truth to the fact of my aid, my honor? and my efforts to help them? would the ones I love, loved stand up and say no to any that cursed my choice, woudl they tell of how I would, and did go to the farthest lengths to make them feel loved, happy, cared about, ...wanted. would people tell of how in all the things I did do, as meager as they may have been in thier perceptions be able to say I was good, and strong, real, decent and that it was the lies of mankind, humanities self indulgent way that killed me.

no, no one in there right mind wwould have the balls to stand up for someone like me. This isn't a pity rant, I want non of that, Im mearly looking at the fact that to choose death before she chooses me, is considered wrong, and the world around me would simply take advantage of the moment to cry and feel sorry for themselves, to take there momentary spot light of who feels more pseudo pain for my lose then the others.

I want death, I always have, I accepted the challenge of life, but I do not want it, not any more. I cant lie in this perpetually falsified life. I dont want people to pretend they love me, I do not want to be lied to, given half truths and grey areas... I dont want to be faked into believing I am wanted, cared about or cared for, loved, enjoyed, respected, or anything that Anyone else in this life/world gets from people around them.

Im tired of telling myself to trust when it turns out to be lies, only to be instructed it wasn't a lie, merely I did not understand the intentions and meaning of wut was told to me.. if Im that idiotic then cast me out to the piss filled sewers and unmarked grve of those not worth living. put me where I belong amongst the weak and dammed.

cease the taunting and teasing with the morsels of life I do crave. leave your warming nurturing arms at bay. do not dangle love, happiness and all the things I hold so holy to my heart in front of me only to take it way for wut you want.

this isn't a matter of poor me, slice slice crap either I feel no pain in writting these words. after 20+ years of living with it, I have grown quite numb to the idea of death. I do not choose it as a way out, I no longer feel guilt and regret for wanting it. I simply want life to end.

I dont want to wake up feeling wrong, sick, sad, hurt, angry, upset drepessed. I dont want to be held and and loved by those that would see me burn in the flames of what they can justify as righteousness penants.
father I have sinned for those made in your image at their behest. I choose my fate in life, to do the thing I was meant to do for others around me, for their sake, and for mine. and really it's time for me to leave and go back to the mud filth and dirt of my grave.

grammer speling check later.. I'm being summoned for more of others needs, and thus mine are to be swept aside once again.

in and out

wow.. just found out I have a whopping 7 followers lol.. guess I shoul dupdate this more often lol

fail dad

woo.. is this stress? is this life? I just dont know how to tell. where does that line come into play? is there a line? I mean is life stress? im sure to find a bumper sticker that says just that.. but what now.. I can't just turn and walk. that dont work anymore.. im to old, theres to much as stake. it hurts to see myself in this place.. this spot in life. theres still so much oppertunities, chances ahead of me, of us. but here I am again.. hidden away in the basement. just trying to keep things happy, calm.. I want to help out, but I can't.. when I try to involve myself, im pushed aside, underminded and ignored. our oldest is the poster for this familys attitude towards me. my youngest I cling to when I can.. and he know it.. am I sad? tired? and I sick in the head to live like this? will I endure until my snapping point and become like that freak on crimminal minds.. a door mat to his family, until he snaps kills them and makes up a delousion to live in? okay well thats rather laughable lol.. just god dam..

I can't even clean.. because whats the point, there is no attemps to keep it that way. i'm pressing into my 30's wether I want to or not.. but no one in this house is even close to growing up.. .....


sometimes I just want to scream what my definition is.
I'm not a red neck.. im not a slob. im not dirty. im not care free or careless. im focused. im clean. im structured. i have a way of doign things.. i dont expect others to follow. I was raised with respect. responcibilities. spelling isn't one of them. habits.. habit .. habits.. I have bad ones. I have good ones.. but this? i can't .. can I ? i dont know anymore.. I jsut dont know.. hell I've never known until its over.. hindsight and all that.. lessons learned.. I was taught to learn. to adapt. to create boundries and lines.. places not to cross, places you just dont let happen. but thats all on the inside.. hidden away like me, here in the basement.. either not allowed to surface, or unwilling to be lost in the turmoils of this life. something real of me, for a real life.. something special secret. thats how I feel. thats how this feels.. a stop over to the rest .. rest of what? .... what, wut, wat.. wot... what.. I know this .. i know the answers and what Can come next. if you'd just listen to me, follow me, and do what I do, listen to whats said and Learn something.. I dont care about teh "buts" if I look up the sky is blue, and thats it.. right there,,... the sky is blue right there and then.. sure it can change.. it can turn tones and colors besides blue.. but right then at that point .. if its blue, its blue.. none of that ifs.. buts.. or what not.. its blue.


I feel liek your stealing from me.. sometimes everything, I dont know you anymore.. and judging by wut I can see, im not sure I want to. I think I resent you.. for taking my family away.. and making sure everytime I try to become part of it, you twist and fidle with word games until I just want to go back to my hole ... /fail dad

Dear Nalia

I want to run, i want to go so faraway I want this to end. today
i waant to go some where it isn't fun, I want to go and take you away.

everything around me feels like a joke, fake and wasted.

I want to talk to you. like all teh otehrs .. I want to show you my world, I want you to see what needs to be seen. I want you to be taking from things I can not control.. Im going to try this again.. I tried last night..

Dear Nalia, my love, my daughter

I've been staring at this white screen for Several hours. Daddy wants to talk to you. i dont know how to. Well.. um. I miss you a whole lot yea know. I hope. I didn't get to much time with you, we both know thats true. doesn't change how much I love you though. you mean so much to me, but I have such a hard time here.

Oh, god.. where do I start. well baby girl, it's liek this see. I didn't want you to go. I wanted to show you so much. Like how ties up yer shoes, blow bubble gum bubbles.. I wanted to be ther to help you ride a bike.

who am I kidding.. i'm here now, writting to you because I can't let you go. i dont want to even consider the idea. Even if it means I spend my years in an endless cycle of grief. you meant so much to me. you DO mean so much to me. you have the right to know. when I heard your mommy tell me you were coming. I was so affraid. i was so affriad of what we as a family would do. you see baby girls, you dad's a fool.. we were in such a bad home. there was drugs wafting from the neighbors, the house wreaked of mildew and rusted nails sticking out of everywhere. it was no place for a beautiful baby girl.

i was so affraid of how we would be able to pay the bills. I wasn't working much, and Im still not working. between the money and the place I was so scared.. and yes as much as it kills me to say the mention of aborting came up. you see thats why mommy calls me a murderer. my fears over took the happyness i had. i'm so sorry .. I couldn't be strong enough to hold it above everything else. I didn't want to give up and I truely didn't. yea the topics of what we were going to do came up and passed.

Nalia I wish you could beleive in me. I want to have you in my arms again so much and im so sorry I blew it. missunderstanding or not, from that one basic second, inifinitly endless moment I failed you, me and mommy were at odds. we weren't liek most with fighting and such.. we knew enough to know better.

There is so many times, I wanted to put my hand on your mothers tummy. just to be there with you and her. I dont thik I ever did, or got that chance. that whole time was so blurry.
I wish I could see you, I wish I could see the look on your face, or feel your take my finger in your hand. some could call me insane, or at least unstable.. I dont care. I can hear you I know its my mind making it up out of shear will .. but I dont care because Its nothing more then a symbol of exactly how much I wanted you and pay's tribute to the fact that even though I made one mistake when I was weak with fear, That I do love you, and want you. i hope you know there was never any merit to the idea.. if was nothing more then a fleeting suggested out of fear.

you'd be one now. I wonder if you'd have blond hair.. what your eye color would be..I wish I could see you. I wonder if you'd be talking.. and what yoru first words were. this past years asi'm sure you have been watching has beeen pretty rough. i've continued with my failure's into a downward spiral of hate and malice all the while clinging desprately to some kind of hope. so I haven't totally failed, not yet.
so many hours have past tonight of me just staring at this screen, forcing myself to face what has happened to you. i've never cried so much in my entire life. I fell like i have to though. i have to face what I did. I have to be blamed for everything. I have to pay for my mistake and for you I would pay for all time. even if it doesn't make a difference.

the only things i've ever wanted to truely say is im sorry and how much I love you. i've wanted to say this to you so bad, and to your mother. I come here to beg your forgivness because yer mom doesn't want to accept that I am truely sorry that things went like this. so I turn to you, ignorantly putting on you even though you dont deserve that weight.. and thats what tonight is about. that why i'm hear facing all the pain inside. this letter is just getting out of hand now..I can feel the anger bulding up. it is there because I truely dont feel your death was my fault.

your mother says other wise, but the only sense I can make of it is when I said abortion.. and from that she derived this idea I didn't care or want you. hense me being a murderer. it just wasn't like that. im not like that. but from that point on it was my fault. i dont think there was a "real person" to blame. I dont know what happend.. no that isn't right and you know that. but you also know I can't say that.

it seems my thoughts have flipped again, i've become malicious and vindictive..

I love you Nalia, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and i am Truely sory I have failed to be your father

what can I do..

been a while figure I should come back here more often. I started counciling missed my last apt. though.. I gotta fix that.. been so tired as of late.. with the way things are going I wonder what the life is going to turn out like.

alot of the time i feel like my life already turned out and I missed it. serves me right for sitting on my ass though. I can't beleive how hard it is. and for every day I dont... it gets harder to do. I know I have friends out there.. but they can't hold me up forever. I've been working hard core on the gas ticket.. but man it just feels like I dont retain anything.. the teach seems to cancle class more often then I would like.

been looking at the days go by.. its march again.
I dont know what to say.. the 3rd of every month has Always been a bad day for me. Last year was the most painful. this year doesn't feel any better. maybe that why I'm out for the count right now. it could be, the 3rd holds a dear and special place with me in the month of march. doesn't make it hurt less.

maybe its me, maybe Im so fucked up now that there truely is no rest. perma penants. a toll has to be paid for what happened, a toll that must be weighed and placed strictly upon me.

Stupid, just stupid. with the note of every sound of every day I can hear I curse. silently, Deeply inside me. I scream at them each and every one. even my love for the hate within me has seemingly died off. A nihilistic numbness white washed me from the inside. But it doesn't stop the cold lifeless tears of sorrow that spill over me every night since. in silence I'm forced to be still and pay for things I have to pay.

it always goes unnoticed.. cept for when I explode. when I get up and stomp, snip at everything I think, say and do or dont do. with every act of love i burn up inside. with every pathetic reach out I endure.. my mind and heart always come back to here. In one sick way or another.

some would say its a curse of my own doing, and as right as you all may be, its a blessing in my eyes. I will not forget. ever. I wont forget being accused of murder, being lied to by doctors. I wont forget being ignored by officials, laughed and scofffed at by co-workers.

I wont forget wut I said either. I wont forget what I wrote, how I felt, what I saw. I wont forget you ever. my love, my darling, my beautiful little princess, my daughter Nalia.

1 year later, I can still feel the course warmed blanket in my arms. I was unable to fight for you. I cry but I dont know what to feel.. that's where I'm at now, I am so lost that I have to make a choice to feel the things I'm suposed to.

except for when I'm alone, the house quiet and no one it looking. that when we are together and I can feel.. but i dont know what it is, all I know is to cry, to wail and beg..just like last year.
I told myself I would rise from all this with strength and make something of myself and this situation. I did not realize how much harder I would make things. we are our own worse enemy.

It takes every bit of me left this close to her birthday.. not to cut out my heart and hold it bare before wittness to the gods in exchange. Even if it was for one single moment.. I would. I would forsake everything that is left, for just one minute ...

So lets do this..

My daughter, My love
Nalia, I wanted you know something you will never get to see.

ugh..fuck. I cant do this... i'm so sorry.

I'm there when you need to go places, im there when you need to talk, im there when you need anything, alway im there. I'm always there when you need help, when you need somethign done you can't handle, im there,when your bored im there, when you want to play games like vampire im therewhen you want me to be i'm there, im always fucking there.

but when your not asking for help. when your not needing something from me. when you dont need something picked up,dropped off, or a ride to somewhere, when your not bored, when you dont want to play games, where am i? im last. I'm forgot, Im ignored.

I know Im a bad tool. I know Im not suposed to speak out of place or turn. I know im suposed to sit on my shelf until I'm required again..

I was promised I wouldn't be a tool, or a utility. I wouldn't be used and expected as such..

why do we care? mind the typos

its 5 30 am here.. Im feeling so sick, and frustrated. i've been trying to bust my ass for a company that doesn't give a shit.. to be fair its a huge corp. so for the most part they dont have a clue.. but the select few I have to work with are sickening..

I was asked a while back what keep me awake at night.. its something that I have been pondering for a while. Of course stress is typical answer. work, money kids, life.. blah blah blah..

but i have been trying to understand the shit in my head.



some of that shit is pretty neat stuff, ideas on crystal generated power, harmonic fequencies and how they can change the life we live.. free energy, rebelling against all the were taught not to. things were so much easier as a kid.. I'm sadly realizing over and over every day.
I find my self looking more and more for that safe place to hide everything I have and keep it safe for as long as I can. knowing dam right well that everything in this world as it is, is designed to tear it down and seperate it. I miss the ideals of the old days, yea the old day befor eI was born. what I was raised on though. hard work, honesty, respect. to not need drugs, or raise tem up above being a decent human to others.

I long so much for a safe place. A place where I can sit out side with out fear of not waering the right colors, being harassed for money and smokes, or drugs I dont have or do. a place where I can take my eyes off my kids while they play with out fear of them being molested, raped, murdered, kidknapped, bullied, pressured into more then just a prank... I mean maybe Im going stupidly hippy.. or something, but I was born in the 80's and my bigest cuss was Frig as I grew up.. then the 90's came and its all fuck fuck fuck fuck.. I'm tired of it. Im tired of gangster punks and school shooting goth trench coat gangs. im tired of hearing about how the goverment is implamenting a deprived sense of life with this new world order. im tired of seeing it happen right before my eye. I dont understand why we must sell our resources to forien bodies, when we have bums on the street, kids with out food, people with out jobs..

can't we see that this system we voted in isn't working? its been some 20 years since freetrade.. hell prolly more I can't rememeber.. why is it all about the greed. why do the rich get to enjoy bountiful holidays and vacations. why cant we as humans, be just that Human. not some greedy little fat kid with parent that solve all the problems so we dont have to think, just take take take..
Im not asking for a free ride, just the fair and equal oppertunity to bring home a pay check, pay the blls and feed/cloth my family with a bit of saving on the side for a trip here and there..

why doesn't canada fight anymore.. why dont canadians care anymore.. why can't we see the big pictures here and look beyond the narrow end of our black berries.

chewing on thoughts

how do I say this.. I dont know
how do I under this I dont know
why is the answer never in sight, but felt in my heart.
how can I see this.. I dont know
how can this be the real deal. i dont know
why is my answers never in sight. why do I feel what is right, when it's wrong.


so many of us. so many computers.. ticking away the intagers of our programs. programing all the while were processing.

emotion causes an electrochemical response. one measurable. thus emotion can generate such a charge, that engery can be displaced to an out put.
a crystal can cause charge underpressure. if numerous crystals pressed and conected it would be said to generate a larger charge.
human dna shows characteristics of said crystals in this regard. place a large sum of dna in a vat and place under pressure. would the charge be enough.
can one apply pressure though magentics?

if one crystal of significant weight/mass/density was placed in a magnetic field and thus pressurized to its maxium potential would said crystal dispence enough charge to sustain a circet with out draining itself? given the internal structure of a crystal, it can be theorized a crystal can replenish that energy with a pulsating pressure. does this form somethign akin to AC ? or is it just an unstable DC line.

what does this have to do with the human dna? creating a large enough magnetic field one could suggest an effect simalar to the above stament.
I am not a physist or scientist of any sorts. but I am awake. and I understand.

when I feel. I am. when I am. I am awaken to the lies of the truths of your reality.
some can say its a farce, a dillusion of the mind, forumed to proctect me from the pain and vicious realization that I was abused as a child.

as i walk through this valley in the shadow of death I denouce all and any concepts of what is said to be real. I have seen the truth. I have seen the pasts. I know my future.

I am as to you, as you are to me, and I AM POWER. can humans fly unaided by there safe guarding machines.. YES. by polarizing their entire self of an opposite or opposing charge one can,will, and has achieved lift.

Can human Hear the voices of Others? YES. should one modifiy their mental fequency. like listening to someone elses satalite radio. just tune into the right channel and we all have our own channel.

can we control the rain? winds ? seas and the life around us? YES. our will is as to life what light is. with out it there is nothing.

we are all power. we are all singularities. we contain with in us the electrochemical reactions to achieve everything. we are knowledge of our past and future.

how? how do you produce such effects.. you must do. this is the words of my unspoken sight. there is no if's, there is no hopes and dreaming. there is only the action that defines our reality.
these are not the word of God. the word of aliens. spirits or all mighty, all seeing, all knowing divinity of any accord.
we are the Gods. we are the everything in our world. from the animals to the skys, winds, fires and the pain we endure.

the laws of physics we limited our selves to. we created the hypothesis that defined our laws of physics. we confined ourselves. we taught ourselves to limit, control and fear. our theories limited and controlled by sectular independant co-depenadant thoughts filled with selfconcious worries and insecurities of our peers. in a time when the witch burned and the blacks were stripped of their human skin.

narrow and limtied theories defined our laws of what we know to be the laws of nature life physics. and now? after so long. after so many idiotic excuse's of expiriments defined on those principles we have breach what we knew to be true. only for that new revelation to be dwarfed by the need of capitolism. what can we make? what can we sell... weapons of war.. computers and facebook to control the masses.

connectic redemtion. so what is to come? or follow.. do we all drink the cool-aid and whisp our etheral selves to the mothership? succomb to the mass enslavement of the theorized reptilian annuaki after our gold? fall and bow to the NEW WORLD ORDER?
endure the police state and let our women and children be rapped and murdered by the very soldiers to "protect us".. turn def ears to our goverment, as long as we get our tax return? ..

affriad yet? no? look now. look to your families. your friends.. their lives. look at it all. looka round at your material's .. xbox. computers. tv's. your cat, your dog.. you home. how much is on the credit cards? how much is actually yours? even if you paid full. even if its all seems yours. is it? no. you dont own the land you live on, the revenue companies can come and take it away, one lie can split and severe your family ties and friends alike.one simple misunderstanding and your life as you knew it would be uplifted rended by the fickle and dangerously frivilous masses then tossed aside once there unending hunger for more found somehting more to chew.

does this has relevance? yes, of course it does. the world that has taken us under its wing. its not the white feathered wing of a merciful dove or guiding angel. its smooth and cold leathery wing, tipped of loathing, endorned with fear,and is only protecting us until the capitolistic beast it's attatched to needs to feed. like a shark feeding off its nurtured young. should we not leap from our nest,should we not free ourselves of the oppessive insecureties we hide from, and should we not Choose to leave the false saftey of our seragant mother and live life for what it is..
that very beast that held us close and safe will spread her wings and envelope us all in the self destructive nature of the human condition.

when you realize you are the all and everything of the world around you. that we can connect to each other with out machines. that we can become power. that we can raise to a true potential as everything and one. a singularity, omni potent, self renewing source of energy and power. then this beast, false mother.. will be for naught. a smere in the timeline of what our future is..


emotion causes an electrochemical response. one measurable. thus emotion can generate such a charge, that engery can be displaced to an out put.

what can you do

sometimes, I curse my parents for raising me in such an obsured manner, sometiems I wonder if it's my fault, as though I allowed myself to be raised this way.

sometimes I shouldn't talk, sometimes I should.

shape up or ship out.. everyday since then, has been worse then the last. there seems no saving grace. nothing that can be done. they wont listen to me, and what I say isn't worth the regard or respect that I feel. there is no such thing as equal, but I beleive the scale sways between the two, balancing the proper amount of love, respect and tolerance.



every last word is about my issues. every comment is always followed up with a yea but...

I can't not help. I can not give advise and actually be listen to. I can not ask for habits to be formed for the better of everything. its an attack from me.



what do I want.... I need to figure this. I want to be loved for me. because Im tall, heavy built. because my blue eyes and strong hands. I want to be seen as a friend, love and man.



I have never felt like I do lately. so many things in my head.. so many comments, habits and endless "no's"... yea but, you dont get it, its your issues .........I lost my daughter, no one actually wanted to listen to me.. several friends bickered about not being told the same night it happened.. people I thought were friends, people who never called, no emails or even a hello in many many years... their not my friends anymore.



I lost my sister through her own ignorence.... a secreted bond destroyed through time and resentment..



i foolishly removed most all friends from my person. by choice, the drama was reaching criticle mass.

I wanted to work, I wanted to work and save money and buy a home, lay roots, I wanted kids that would grow up to be good people, kids that could learn, kids that would have morals, not were their pants below their knees.. who wouldn't do drugs, drink to much, drop out, rape, murder, or general hurt some one on purpose.



I wanted a 5 room house with a decent yard front and back, a mini van, white fence, a dog and a cat. I wanted a decent nieghbore hood, one that allowed me to be safe and keep my family secure. I wanted to invite my nieghbore over for a bbq and a beer.



I wanted what I was suposed to become. before the drinking and drugs, before I was born. I wanted to be the man my father was, minus the relentless fighting with my mother. I wanted to be something of a social butterfly like my sister, minus the sex drugs and abuse she had to deal with.



instead I lied. I lied to myself over and over, soon it seeped from my grasp and spured across my life. then there was the fights, by day, by night. jaw crushing, fist flying.. trying to prove myself.. prove to who? to what? ... it stopped.. then the drinking.. the sex.. with out a pause, women after women... reaping a path of sexual tension across the GTA that had been begging for release... the hate that came from that.. the men that saught to harm me.. the fighting again.. this time it wasn't to prove.. but to save.. I held nothign back for my life.. I tossed them into traffic, I tossed them over bridges, out of windows, I even had to fight my way out of a holding cell..

arrested so many times, never to be charged.. a grace? an angels luck? I dont know... I've tossed myself infront of busses, cars vans and civy trucks.. then there was teh pills.. pill after pill, drug apon drug.. in 12 hours shots, perks, oxi's tranqs, cocain. 8 bals coc-puffs, hard line rails on a crisp fifty rolled nice and tight...



I did not see a doctor. I did not see illness beyond the normal cold. no std's no overdoses (not for the lack of trying) I gave up trying to give up.

then the memory . its gone, I remember my childhood from VHS tapes and blank sickening blurs inbetween.. the memories clash and shatter agains the Lies.. the life I lived lost to the life I dreamed.. running brown paper bags, busting skulls, packing loaded heat, with a slug dangling from my neck, my name carved into it..



my memories lie to now. i dont know when things happened or how, or if at all.. I dont know what i've down. I dont know who I was, should have been, or am.

I its all there at once.. nothing to sort it all out,.. my instints guide me the best they can..

so many memories gone. mixed up and distorted. was a I raped as a kid? they say so.. the family says I was sick... they say my mothers to blame for it.. they say she lied.. they tell me her sins as to vindicate something unknown to me... they remind me of a flock of demons preying on the flesh of their kin.



was I supposed to be aborted? its said to be.. but how did I live.. the fighting, the violence, the stairs the morning after pill, and I am here ... was I sold and traded amongst teh masoriary cults of pedifiles across the country? it would be said so by some..

I dont know who I am.. I dont want to know who I am..



my Life is over with these thoughts, accusations and false suggestions of the imagination.

my life was about building me from the image I had born to provide me with strength.

it does no good, no matter if I was fucked like a rabbit agaists my will, I dont remember it. I dont NEED TO. I am about moving to my goals. I was about that..

does it matter if I hurt tons of people with weaons, drugs and threat? to some sure, to me know.. I gave my sorrow, I pleaded my forgiveness "just incase it was true" and I mioved on.. and you want to dig that up?

does it matter if I was invloved in drug deals? does it matter if I was used for the perversions of masonary wanna be's? no.. its not in my head.. its not in my soul.. I stood proud..



When I introduce myself it was strong, proud and fearsome. I projected an aura of self Worth. I could look at myself in the mirror and smile at me. at What I was becoming.. I had everything.. right there.. right in my head, in my hands and it didn't fucking matter what my past had to store.. because in the Real world that how it works.. HEALING IS A CHOICE . no a fucking poor baby hug me grp.. albiet those grp help many man y many people.. its just not for me.. I didn't need it.. I needed it secret.. I needed my past to remain my past.. I need my life to remain in drive.. I needed to be trusted and loved for me being me. I needed to be wanted because my name is mother fucking paul bardgett.. not pittied and drug through memory after fucked memory.. my demons were defeated and since then fuelled by something I can see, but will not force into action..



when I was in control.. my life was successful and I was happy. I shouldn't have to give up that happiness for a pseudo reality of "dealling with your issues please" when I had my shit down pact..



dotn open pandoras box, then try to kick it out when you dont like what is inside.