part 8 old blog, getting juicy

more the older stuff

************

14 Apr 2007

coming undone

do you remember

sometimes
ahh, can you still hear her..
no.. yes.. I dont know .. its been so long..
not really.. I mean .. i'm in here too.. I know how you feel.. not much different from then .. dont you
yes, yes I can hear her. fuck it.. I can even remember the warmth of her pooling blood as it spilled out of her body drenching me.. I remember the sirens.. the lights.. the drunk wandering around trying to figure out where he was.. his car parked in some ones bedroom.. I dont think they'll be waking up. I rememebr it all.. why the fuck do you ask.
you asked your self.
fuck you
oh come now.. you were so young back then.. how could you possibly feel like this.
you dont under stand. she is the nameless wonder of my life.. a women so beautiful... her long red flowing hair... her freckles and classic emerald eyes... her pure pale skin.. I may have been young.. but not young enough to not know love.
you were just friends.. you never laid a hand onher.. although.. it must have been temping, considering she trusted you so much, to change in front of you like you where a girl friend of hers..
I loved her as though she was the only friend I would ever have.
you ever think maybe she did that to you as a tease..
you dont understand dam it.. it wasn't like that.. she .. arg... it would have been impossble for her to do that.. that kind of shit just wasn't her..
its a shame though.. you ever wonder what would have come of you two .. if she hadn't wanted to walk home from the dance with you.
I miss her so much.
to think you could have been something I bet.. made a man of yerself so to speak.
fuck you .. why you always gota go there..
cause you wont.
its dam good you dont have a body of your own.
heh... oh look.. remember..
yes.
you were the last person she saw.
I know.
the last one to hold her as she spilled out on to the sidwalk.
stop
remember her smile.. her broken teeth, torn face..
please .. stop
you remember what she said.
I'lll never forget.. but I'm going to forget you now..
oh ? how so..
with beer.
oh .. clever.
no .. i'm giving up now.. you win..

(in memory of a lost friend.)

***************

30 Mar 2007

slave with out a master

Current mood:horny

its cold here, so cold and dark in this smal hollow I've created.. I can hear the echo's of life around me, and I press harder against the walls, want more and more to escape the vile cheerfulness of the sun,and the people wiith in it. solitude is my craving. their laughter grates along my spine like nails on a chalk board. I want my leather.. I miss my collar so much.. once I was safe in the confines of servitude to my master.. she was such a beautiful woman, adorned with spikes black pvc and leather.. merciless as well. she wouldn't tolerate the laughter, the joy around me now.. she would have made it all go away. I miss the pain of her Flogs, the sting as her nails cut into my skin as she commanded me to pleasure her in ways that truely defiled the purity of love. I miss the cold heartless stare she would give me before she would bless me with furies session of rending lashes and cigerette burns..

I miss my dungeon....

to my baby girl

I remember the screaming sobbing. I remember the first time I saw her. our baby girl, so tiny, so fragile. I loved her so much. they took her away,warmed her, wrapped her up in a warm blanket. we sat with her. we cried.
we cried so much. we talked to her. we told her we love her. that she was beautiful and I want her back. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want them to take her away from us. and deep inside it hurt so much. I beg I beg so much. we thought maybe, maybe theres a chance left somewhere in this Sick and Perverted world that our baby girl moved. that she was still there, while we waited. that false sense of hope cept us from breaking down.

I begged, I pleaded to god, "let her breath" "let her cry out for ehr daddy, her mommy. let her be okay.

I was using the xbox-fable 2- my wife came to me from the washroom. she said she was expecting.. I froze, i paniced.. I was so happy and so scared. I dont want to be here like this. I want to see her. just one more time.. I want to be with her, I want our beautiful little girl to laugh and giggle. I want to hear her cry. I want to give her a hug.

my soul was so weak. my bones and nerves resoulved to not allow me to collaspe.. I walked aimlessly dazed from the elevator, in the hall, and I felt everything . I remember letting go, like I was 500 ft up in the air and I just let go, free falling to the floor, Balling, begging and sobbing.. I hated that nurse.. she took her away, I felt the blanket going cold and It was everything I could do not to scream in vicious horror that my baby wasn't coming home. instead i was left with a sickly calm apon me.

I didn't want to let go. I wanted more time.. more time to tell her that im sorry. to tell her again how much we love her. I wanted her to know her daddy. her bothers, her mommy. everyday I miss her so much.. it is like a heavy lump I just can't swallow. the guilt. the pain. the loss.

I close my eyes and I can see you darling. when I'm awake your there just behind my eyes. i can still feel you even though it feels so long ago.. sometimes when I start to fall asleep, I can almost hear you. i'm sorry baby.. daddy can't sleep right now