part 2 of the old blog

Again old blogging recap
*********

17 Jan 2007

who knows..

Current mood:drained

*i know this site is public, but I request if you take something from my blog as a quote or other wise, i ask you to ask me first and formost. Please.*

heh.. i made it back. wierd.. maybe typical. I dont get it, been pretty up beat about things for some time. but latley I've just gone down. I guess its to be expected though. I was with a girl for 4 years this aug. was engaged to marrie her and all that. I should have known better. theres a long story to her, but the deal is I helpped her up outta the gutter so to speak, and while doing so I found myself attracted to her, inturn her to me and we fucked like rabbits, naturally. the relation went on and things were... decent.
then we moved to a new city while I tried to work out a future that would keep us both in a good spot, no it wasn't illegal eitehr, but then lies, drugs more drugs, and some more drugs wasted her away from me.. then stealing .. I left her. for a month I was happy, felt good .. aware of myself being a human being.. away from her I felt as though I had a chance. she was suposed to go to school, that didn't happen.. many times now.. finally before I left her I told her get her life in order and we have a chance.. build your own life in your own way, on your own now.. I'm not our dady and you need to do this yourself for our sakes...
I left. shes living with me again.. until sept. shes suposed to go to school.. I couldn't say no. she has no were else to go. so we were to remain friends. and thats it in a nut shell you have the life of the sucker upto date.. 26 full years of it.. dam it..
when we started I told her it may not last and you'll need to be ready for it. when we moved she promised no more drugs and was going to grow up.. the same month we moved she broke that promis.. the biggest promis of all she took from me.. I told her to not give up. if you give up and let go of all we had built together for our future, then I'll give up on you and leave.
I kept my word I left. and shes here.. still.. telling her friends that we've worked it out.. he mom even doesn't know. like there some hope between us. like some Fucking mirracale is going to erase the past. no .
now that she has her cable tv plugged in and such Im sure she'llo be cozy on the couch.. what ever I dont care anymore, I mean she pays half teh rent, food and all her half the bills, thats a plus. makes it easier for me to pay my bills. and with more bills I pay off the closer I am to stepping into a new life for myself.
my worry is that inablity to except the fact its over is going to collide headstrong into my life and knock it over.. I dont have a plan for that.. and I wont make one. if that happens I want my instints to over ride my common sense. I feel trapped now.. and i see teh cage.. then maybe my body will react in a way that will release me from this circle I'ce gotten caught into.. either way. if I can work myself out of it then I will. and I do hope I can work it out peacfully. mind you if I need pay in blood ( so to speak) I will ..
* dreams*
I have a face, it sees me, all of me, it knows of me in ways I beg to understand. so beautiful, calmingly horrorific, silent and judging its gazes straight through me and beyond to some unseen location, I can not move not anymore.
solid and fluid. its only when a red fog fills the area do I realize I'm in a pool, a large one and the fog is not fog at all, its blood.. thick, warm, deluted enough for me to see that face, floating there in the aquatic silence
I'm cast out. yet remain in the same place, unable to swim.. I know I'm not breathing now, my lungs burn. gasping I plead for air... the blood seeps into my lungs, my skin.. I can feel it filling my eyes. against my will my body stiffens and shakes. shuddering, I can feel my life dieing with in me. it raises alone and confused my life left me .. to rott in that pool.
i am not knowing why or how, I live yet have felt my death, my roots shimmer in the spiraling light from above, I see them.. all of them.. millions of hands, arms and body parts all connected to form a flesh restraint holding me.. killing me ..
In the bottom, the parts course around me all taking there turn holding me there under the bloodied pool .. the stench of rotted corpses fills my nostrels and the whails of the unsated dead shatter my ear drums over and over.
my body ejects its contents while my eyes seem to poor from their sockets, my skin splits, cracks and peels from the bones of my body as my organs begin to float around me, yet still attatched to my muscle structure.my neck gives way. my sight falls again to the floor of the pool, now filling with thousands of gaping faces calling to me with voiceless cries.
thats where I see her. the one face not gaping at me, forcing a deathly blue radiance in the hue of red that fills this pool. that slender, strong flawless face with the silken blue hair that was once blond. her amber eyes seem to fire the grief of millions at me, as though I am to blame for what ever missfortune visited her.
I accept it, with a ravenous lust. embodied with only the purest of hate, the finest pains of depressions, the whitest fires of hells raging tempers, and the most exquisit lusts found in the planes of all that isn't natural. I join the wails.. I join the cries, the screams . .. I begin to cry
*end dream*
this is when I wake. this dream has haunted me nearly every day for the 10 years of my life. i dont understand it.. some times I'm afraid of it.. other time I lust to see her face again.. just once.. its sick. its fucked up.. but its in my head so what ever ..

REHASH OF MY OLD BLOGS pt.1

okay first off let me say this is th efirst of a blog I started back in 2007 I think it was.. **********************************************************

16 Jan 2007
remerance
Current mood:curious
shouldn't be here, shouldn't have came.. a single card from image arts, Fucking christmas.. the cards late, not that it was expected.. no text just a picture of her. no reason. like most things in the imatations that some like us call life action with out reason. the lessons learn through the eyes.
this is one of many thoughts merged into one paragraph. its a quick insight to how a mind can work. and how a single persons perception can twist and defile the purest of intentions.  you wouldn't beleive it I supose that the above said text contains at least 15 full lenght subjects but because for what ever the reason that is how the mind  of one person process's information.
  this could end up being a habit, but most likely not. I used to keep a online write before long time. Now I do not know if I will have the ability to keep effort in this or if it will float slowly to the background and eventually fall into the cold empty digital space that is the internet, only to be view by some fucked up mal-formed abomination of cybernetic's and flesh the human path of evolution seems to be heading, 1000 years from now.


when I used to use my writes, I used to cut, part of the reason I stopped writting. now I've grown up. Not that I ever lost the craving.. interesting thing cutting.. wouldn't recomend it.  I guess that since this be the first "blog" ive written I should prolly spit out some bullshit about myself.. and since most would have stopped reading by now I figure the rest if anyone who reads this deserve some explaination.
names paul, aka ravenlie had a sister once, had a mother, father. one them family things. I gave it up for the most part. wont get to far into that.. it comes out in my writes anyway. grew up watching my dad beatin my mom, my mom beatin my dad, fighting with my sister and traversing canada east to west, and back.. to many fucking times to count. family taught me to lie, family taught me intolerance, hate and pain. the burns that blood can leave in a man. taught me strenght to walk alone. family brought about the turn of innocents.
  From there grew into a young adult.. tripping on my self and my ill mannered ways I came across a person I hadn't realized existed. they taught  me honor. they showed me trust and patience.  he showed me how life is suposed to be, the rights from wrongs, the tolerance of the greys... with my life in his hands, more then once, his patients saved me. I owe him more then I could ever speak .. I consider him my brother because he was the first of what I call family now. 
from there I made some mistakes, I fell into the crowds of people that roam this world looking for ways to get ahead regardless to the effects of there action. watching them scramble over each other like a hord of scourged souls in purgatory getting no where exept push back down, only pausing long enough to embrace the deluted lie that they gained something from it.

I lost my family, and I to fell. I fell into the lies, the hate washed over me again. embedded in my mind, mix with a 40 ounce every other night I lost myself. unable to accept the fate I choose, and ashamed of my failures. I hurt my family.  I to joined the masses of puragtory content to live it out.

into my early 20's  I heard a familliar voice and I follwed it, I froze for it, serious.. I waited 6 hours in 40 below outside a shut down greyhoud. my family helpped me. like a silent and warm hand reaching into the deeps of my drunk'n hell of usless repetition. I was brought to Toronto. brampton to be more exact..
I was home. over a few years there. I learned what reality was. and how I hade been blind. I was accepted, cradled by that cities diversity. able to move freely I quickly captured love, only to let it go that morning. gorging myself in the lights, sounds smell of this new home. my family carefully minding me from the distance.
that's were once again as I seem to be cursed to do, I fell. I let myself come forward. I was "mugged" many times in Bramton and toronto. I let go of what I had learned to keep hidden for some time. my anger. I only once had anything removed from me when I was mugged jumped.. or what ever you would choose to call it. I controled my anger well enough to not injure that which was dear to me. but there is many a stranger to be sorry to have bumped into me.. look at me. or even just be in arms reach at any given time.



Lost in the false lusts of strip clubs, and no better place to put my money. at my job I found my other family memeber. selling the computers I did. for a short till I told off a customer. I was giving the choice to quit or be fired. he walked with me that night after I quit... nights on nights. me him and the other we drank  and watched them girls dance. I learned how to feel good. to smile and mean it. with my drinking buds, I was alive. foolishly live.. I'll never forget the phase "aim for the middle" never.
so much has past. and much I have giving away. in the end of my adventures across this country I've learned many things, seen many faces I'll never forget or rememeber. weather it had been trains planes cars or my own to legs walking me down the entire lenght of Young st. and finch station because I was to proud to bum change I lost..  my family now is pure, strong and mine. regardless to how far away we are now. were a family like anyone elses. from it all I'm now myself. after reading this you may think I'm some foolish kid still pining over my poor me's. so to speak. I have grown up enough to know better, I enjoy many things, I work, I feel like a human. most of the time.


for the rest of teh time I have the internet and porn to sate me.<-- see a joke. yes you may giggle now.

this is a sumed up and blurred version of the past truths to cath you up to speed. mind th espelling grammer and all the other stuff I really dont give a shit about.
5:06 AM