old blog part 7- insanity at it's best

more older  blogs, enjoy share it if you could please lol would like to get this stuff out and read/commented on.... in english please
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18 Mar 2007

mad ramblings

Current mood:tired

its in there.. I know it is.. i've felt it a hundred times before.. and old fire.. beyond the years of my life.. beyond that which time it self has tracked.. a fire burning. white hot, an endless flame that lights my nerves a blaze with sensation. almost like being on E. but with out the fluid draining from my spine. I can't explain. but more often then not that fire has be dimmed and relitively unfelt for many years now.. with out me realizing it.. its be so far away from me. i've grown accustom to not having it around. but lately its come back.. in force, there are times when I can feel the burn inside me, so much so that I begin to sweat. I can feel the life I had before the end came to me. I know I made the choice to let it go. in hopes I could grasp control of my life again. but now its back, I'm happy to feel it again. in time to help me above the closing darkness I feel creeping across my mind and body.. I should say though. it's only when Im around certain people, do I feel the life come back to me . only when I'm with them do I feel as though I'm not some corperate drone shuffling about some grey and bleek office building making up useless policys to bring everyone else down.. well you get the idea dont you. I haven't known many people in the past 6 years now I've been reasonably non existent, or a shadow of what I used to be. its hard to brake that habit. its hard to be something other then that shadow I've known for so long. I can see the surace of the water.. even with my debts regrets and painful thoughts of remorse for my past I can feel the surface of the waters around me.. as though I'm slowly getting closer to life.. maybe I can breath freely again.. some day soon I hope. I'm so tired of this self induced purgatory I have placed myself in .. now I'm so lost that I dont remember how to swim.. and I dont think I can tread this water much longer.. so this wieght lifted from me seems to give me strength and hope that one day soon I will be me again. I'm sure you know what I mean.. the shell we place ourselves in .. the little hollow'd room with nothing but ourselves and our own demons in it. is it worth it to look beyond today .. I cant help but wonder that.. I can't help but wonder alot of things.. things that make me unsure of who I am .. I used to try to be a good person but nowa days I just try not to piss anyone off .. too much.
seen this before lost it back then.. not sure what happened.. but like most times I'll prolly fuck this up too.. they dont know me.. they dont know what I am like.. most of the friends I had didn't know me ntil it was to late as well.. and things worked out fine then.. but I still am afraid to showup and be me.. I wish I could do that again.. I want to be the freak I was so long ago. if I could figure out a means to pay the bills and still be the dark stain on public eye I was, would be a dream come true
do you ever get tired when you start to clean.. its the most fucked up thing. i start to clean the house and before I'm done with a single chore I'm so tired I could easily curl up and go to sleep.. same thing happens when I'm reading. aww fuck it.. I'm gonna go to sleep then.. ciao ciao

4:36am

old blogs part 3

another couple of posts, from the shorter stuff

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22 Jan 2007

Mad World

*song - Mad World*

got home this morning.. I'm tired.. I feel so old, dried up and useless.. I am not hung over although this weekend was filled with drinking. a rare things for me. a pint and I want to go to sleep usually.. this weekend I realized I haven't grown up as much as I trusted myself. the bus ride to T.O was awsome.. I mean I'll get into that in its own time.. because the events in that ride deserve more .. the weekend was amazing when I was sober.. I got to see some of reg and susi's wedding tapes. heard reg's speach.. that hit home on more then one level. I know what he said in his speach about how I how I helpped him hook up with suszi was in the best of playing around.. but hes struck true when refering to me as a drunking shit desturber.. not that I would try to denie it, I was back then.. and sfter this wekend I can not say other wise, mind ou I didn't raise any shit this time *chcuckles* I just got blitzed and spent 3/4 of my cash at a skin club... good thing my next cheque is coming on the 2 feb so I can pay the rent..

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sent papers out. waitting on gov to k..


mental note.. find more women open to one nighters, for visits to random cities across ont. cause coming to T.O rocks. getting drunk as I am rocks.. but not getting a peice cause all your old connections moved blows.. more on this later though.. had one hella bus ride to T.O

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crazy haze

wow crazy crazy day.. I swear sometimes there a voodoo dool roamin around some where.. wierd pains in me head sharp peircing pains its weird.. they go away so I'm not concerned... I've had then for years now, anyway to is good, not much different from the last day cept.. its good, I'm happy and shits feeling alright.. be getting light headed but meh, I cut back on smoking so thats prolly done it. the room mate found out she has to have her gull bladder removed, an enlarged liver and some thing to do with a a limp in her ... ermm some place I can't remember where.. but I hope.. I hope this helps her so much.. I hope it takes most of her pains away so that she can get on with her life.. its the first time the doctors have said anything thats made sense to me.. I dont want her to suffer and I dont want her to sit on the couch the rest of her life, I want to see her excel where she wants, to make her dreams come reality.. its what makes what ever I have givin up for her worth it. its a secret hope mind you, one that she may read here.. but I'll not reveal it.. she has to become her self.. and depended on only her self.. my hands no longer reach to help her up anymore..

okay side of that I been holding up papers looking at them and putting them back in the draw.. there forms for grants, loans and small bussiness info.. I have a bussiness plan, I have all teh infromation ready and filled out. I just need to sign it. soon i figure. its an online bussiness its simple with low over head, and a lil secret weapon that has yet to been done.. I know 4 years watching and researching to make sure.. but still I come home look at the forms all I gotta do is sign.. I dont know I say, am I ready..
maybe I haven't grown up all that much... maybe I just need to suck it up and get over myself..
no dreams now.. no sleeping until tomorrow. after work.