Disjointed recant.

I was told to write. I was told to put my story on paper and give way to healing. I was told lies. my keyboard is broken. Like my head and all the thing I was taught. in one light I am a man of war, in comparetive to life. on the front lines everything I was taught as a kid in preperation, was a lie.  forced with a choice to hold onto the lessons I learned or let then go and reform new rules to survive. mortars boom across my mind while victems of the living attrosity that is life wail and scream, drowning out most off the the commen sense and reason I was prepared with. lights flash, blinding my eyes and my body shivers and weakens to the cold blood lust that is the "Real World".  I was told to write. I was told to let it out. I was told the same lies as anyone else in my position. 


            Raked with pains, devoid of love, shattered and rended to mere bite size morsels of what is defined as "living" I am forced with no thought to act.  With disgust and horror I watch my twisted form regain its stance and begin again, again  over the top I go.  with a heavy breath, I charge with my "comrades?", I can feel the mud and soil of the rotted ancestors before me sink beneath the weight of my steps. One weak and fruitless step after another I charge as ordered. that heavy breath burning my lungs, " I have to do this!" I yell inside me as loud as I can muster.  I can feel the toxic gases of chemical warfare that is the Tax to "live" Seep deep into my ill suited corpus.



          I can feel myslef fall, over and over again.. I try to remember. I try to think of everything I was taught.. I fight like the shape shifting terminators drowning in lava... new form, new effort, every chance for naught. I can not end this, I didn't start it.. I'm just stuck in the middle of it.  " you make your own reality" that what they said.. they Lied. that time has past. that control is a lie for the ones like me. we never had control. they forced the chemicals down our throat. they forced the sub-concious image's from the tvs, radios, and computers deep into the our young and bewildered minds. we were born masters of our fate, molded to be the peons for the weak..  I remember you....


between this disjointed recant I remember you.


        not old enough for school.. being attacked on that bus, over and over .. I remember it well.. well enough. class after class, I refused to drink it. the bright green sweet smelling mixture in that paper daisy cup.. in front of that entire single room school house I refused to drink it. I remember watching that women beat that kid.. that small indian school girl in blue sweats... I remember hearing her scream and cry while you, the one in control administered your one room school room discipline. I held that cup... I refused you. I refused to drink it.. even when you held my nose closed, with the weight of your own uneducated mass.. it wasn't my choice. I knew it was bad.  the teacher wouldn't have it. not in her class.

in forced submission I drank it. I became the ignorant. the stupid. the accepted.. and everyday since that first encounter with authority I've nearly pissed myself in fear... amongst the nightmares I own, you teacher are the worst.. in the hours it takes me to write this bewteen the fear riddeen shivering and convulsions of  sobbing tears.. I hope you are dead, and will never read this.

  I drank the floride in fear. today I can not even remember the basic things I should. today I see the faces of my past and I can't place When" I saw them. I can remember how to spell.. grammar, fractions. Thaat doesn't me I can't as I say it. what takes me days, months even.. take others mere minnutes.   dear teacher - I am your product of ignorance.

part 8 old blog, getting juicy

more the older stuff

************

14 Apr 2007

coming undone

do you remember

sometimes
ahh, can you still hear her..
no.. yes.. I dont know .. its been so long..
not really.. I mean .. i'm in here too.. I know how you feel.. not much different from then .. dont you
yes, yes I can hear her. fuck it.. I can even remember the warmth of her pooling blood as it spilled out of her body drenching me.. I remember the sirens.. the lights.. the drunk wandering around trying to figure out where he was.. his car parked in some ones bedroom.. I dont think they'll be waking up. I rememebr it all.. why the fuck do you ask.
you asked your self.
fuck you
oh come now.. you were so young back then.. how could you possibly feel like this.
you dont under stand. she is the nameless wonder of my life.. a women so beautiful... her long red flowing hair... her freckles and classic emerald eyes... her pure pale skin.. I may have been young.. but not young enough to not know love.
you were just friends.. you never laid a hand onher.. although.. it must have been temping, considering she trusted you so much, to change in front of you like you where a girl friend of hers..
I loved her as though she was the only friend I would ever have.
you ever think maybe she did that to you as a tease..
you dont understand dam it.. it wasn't like that.. she .. arg... it would have been impossble for her to do that.. that kind of shit just wasn't her..
its a shame though.. you ever wonder what would have come of you two .. if she hadn't wanted to walk home from the dance with you.
I miss her so much.
to think you could have been something I bet.. made a man of yerself so to speak.
fuck you .. why you always gota go there..
cause you wont.
its dam good you dont have a body of your own.
heh... oh look.. remember..
yes.
you were the last person she saw.
I know.
the last one to hold her as she spilled out on to the sidwalk.
stop
remember her smile.. her broken teeth, torn face..
please .. stop
you remember what she said.
I'lll never forget.. but I'm going to forget you now..
oh ? how so..
with beer.
oh .. clever.
no .. i'm giving up now.. you win..

(in memory of a lost friend.)

***************

30 Mar 2007

slave with out a master

Current mood:horny

its cold here, so cold and dark in this smal hollow I've created.. I can hear the echo's of life around me, and I press harder against the walls, want more and more to escape the vile cheerfulness of the sun,and the people wiith in it. solitude is my craving. their laughter grates along my spine like nails on a chalk board. I want my leather.. I miss my collar so much.. once I was safe in the confines of servitude to my master.. she was such a beautiful woman, adorned with spikes black pvc and leather.. merciless as well. she wouldn't tolerate the laughter, the joy around me now.. she would have made it all go away. I miss the pain of her Flogs, the sting as her nails cut into my skin as she commanded me to pleasure her in ways that truely defiled the purity of love. I miss the cold heartless stare she would give me before she would bless me with furies session of rending lashes and cigerette burns..

I miss my dungeon....

old posts part 6 =)

6 Mar 2007

words, i'm coming undone

Current mood:angry

2 days now. i ben told not to come into work.. I'm so tired of this.. I can't fucking pay my bills with out work.. I want to work.. i want to work overtime... I do exactly as I'm told, I even follow dress code.. there is so many others that dont even do that.. skip work.. fuck around.. and they able to go to work, everyones happy with them.. what the fucking hell.. I dont bother anyone. hell I'm suprised anyone there even know my name.. and yet I ;m being put off.. these fucking kids.. god dam them to hell.. fucking kids that dont have rent, dont have any real bills. and if worse came to worse would have a familly to fall back on .. but here I am.. no familly no safety net of any kinda working my ass off for a company that doesn't want me there.. I'll be looking for a new job starting tomorrow.. still haven't gotten to school. I was suposed to start that a long time ago what the fucking hell.. everything was going fine.. oddly it wasn't until my roomate showed up that things have gone to shit.. and funny thing is the last time I got laid off and things went to shit was when she First moved into my place in T.O since then i've fallen so far that I'm not able to see the light.. so to speak.
I can't help but wonder is she manifesting her negative engeries and effecting my life so much that I'm suffing for it ? I know thats pretty fucking weak.. but its seems just a little odd...
no I can't let that be.. this has got to be something i'm doing.. there has to be a reason I am responcible for.. and I need to find a way to change this... I used to want to find a way out of these kind of times.. but not this time.. I need to get my ass-kicked until I smarten teh fuck up.
and so I say in the words of my favorite clowns!
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU !

******************
21 feb 2007

pictures? go to hell

last night before bed I had a short convo with someone, it was about pictures not dirty or anything but it raised a question in me this morning.. What the fuck is the big motherfucking deal deal about pictures.. anyway I told the person my head hasn't been straight and I forgot.. mainly becuase the past couple of days my suger level have been fucked up and I've been having trouble seeing straight and head eches and the such.. she told me fuck you and that was last of it.. well I hope you read this if not I'll fuckin email it to you.. all I can say is fuck you too, because if you think my health should be on the back burner in regards to you and you wants.. you can go fuck yourself 50 ways from fucking sun down and go to hell.
have a happy fuckin day!

********************
16 Feb 2007

messednup

Current mood:weird

come to me with hate, come to me with love,
come to me with saddness, come to me with joy
one day some where your going to be my toy...
I dont need your forgivness... I need your hate..
I dont need your compassion, I need your rage.
soon, you will be in this cage.
seek the fire, find the pain
seek the lights, find the rain,
its about time the blood came,
wether yours or mine it doesn't matter.
its all the same

*************8
48 and a half hours sleep dep....and still awake.

excerts of maddness (old blog part 5)

this is part 5 of the old blog.

10 Feb 2007

excerts of maddness

if I'll never seen you, why do I have to know you.. what is this.. a joke. you think you want me , you torment me with secrets words filled with desire.. filled with lust..
you dont see, you dont know the last years of this life and the effects apon me its taken. honestly I want to be left alone.. I dont want you hot lips wrapped around my cock, I dont want your tits in my face.. as I sit there listening to you talk to me.. I 'm trying to do my job, I'm trying to make my sales,
I'm trying not to exist.. the customers ask me if I'm a recording.. they understand me.. they know I dont want to be. you think I'm hot, you think I'm sexy.. you don't get it.. you dont know.. if you knew. you would scream and run from me as though I was one of the men you fear at night. no, you can't seduce me.. sadly I hate you.. i hate you blonde hair , your breast.. you body.. I hate your eyes and everything that makes you , you.. you dont realize what your inviting into your life.. even for a night, you could not sate the lust in me.. no. my desires go beyond sex, you dont understand what the female body is to me. I'm not some prize for you to mount.. it would cost so much.. my lust is for hate. you have never met the likes of me in your rich ass suburan daddies covertable life style..
so what your wearin punk clothes and have some steel in your body.. you dont have it. I can't expess this .. I dont think I'll ever be able to.. I dont think people realize. when my eyes stare into an unseen thought.. that thought is of me bathing in you blood.. whilst sipping fine wines.. you dont understand my desire is to defile you and your mind in ways that you'll never be able to repair.. the hate in me makes it so.. the love in me makes me hate you even more.. and ever time you lean into to whisper another secret word of how you think you could please me, my mind reels in pleasure knowing that I could simple bite so deep into your throat that you would not beable to scream... the fact that your warm blood you claim to be making you so hot for me... would run down along my chin and staining my dress shirt.. its your fear that turns me on, it's your pain thats sates me .. its watching you suffer inconfusion that I want.. I rend your flesh from your bones and feed it to you.. even if you knew this.. you'd not be able to grasp why, theres people out there that know.. they understand why... its teh hate, sure, true, pure hate for you.. no.. not you. the hate has no targets it just hates.. constanct, hot like white smithing fires.. it burns in the viens. it makes your body eche, it makes your nerves shake and tremble. its what makes me sweat.
what would you say.. if I told you I wanted your still beating heart placed in my grasp as I showered in the blood from your body.. how would you take the fact that for the sheer point of killing you would be the closest to making my blood cool down for less a moments time.. no you dont understand what it is to hate.. if you did.. we wouldn't know each other.. not the way you want. no it is time for you to leave me in grace, as though I was solem tombstone left and forgotton.

part 2 of the old blog

Again old blogging recap
*********

17 Jan 2007

who knows..

Current mood:drained

*i know this site is public, but I request if you take something from my blog as a quote or other wise, i ask you to ask me first and formost. Please.*

heh.. i made it back. wierd.. maybe typical. I dont get it, been pretty up beat about things for some time. but latley I've just gone down. I guess its to be expected though. I was with a girl for 4 years this aug. was engaged to marrie her and all that. I should have known better. theres a long story to her, but the deal is I helpped her up outta the gutter so to speak, and while doing so I found myself attracted to her, inturn her to me and we fucked like rabbits, naturally. the relation went on and things were... decent.
then we moved to a new city while I tried to work out a future that would keep us both in a good spot, no it wasn't illegal eitehr, but then lies, drugs more drugs, and some more drugs wasted her away from me.. then stealing .. I left her. for a month I was happy, felt good .. aware of myself being a human being.. away from her I felt as though I had a chance. she was suposed to go to school, that didn't happen.. many times now.. finally before I left her I told her get her life in order and we have a chance.. build your own life in your own way, on your own now.. I'm not our dady and you need to do this yourself for our sakes...
I left. shes living with me again.. until sept. shes suposed to go to school.. I couldn't say no. she has no were else to go. so we were to remain friends. and thats it in a nut shell you have the life of the sucker upto date.. 26 full years of it.. dam it..
when we started I told her it may not last and you'll need to be ready for it. when we moved she promised no more drugs and was going to grow up.. the same month we moved she broke that promis.. the biggest promis of all she took from me.. I told her to not give up. if you give up and let go of all we had built together for our future, then I'll give up on you and leave.
I kept my word I left. and shes here.. still.. telling her friends that we've worked it out.. he mom even doesn't know. like there some hope between us. like some Fucking mirracale is going to erase the past. no .
now that she has her cable tv plugged in and such Im sure she'llo be cozy on the couch.. what ever I dont care anymore, I mean she pays half teh rent, food and all her half the bills, thats a plus. makes it easier for me to pay my bills. and with more bills I pay off the closer I am to stepping into a new life for myself.
my worry is that inablity to except the fact its over is going to collide headstrong into my life and knock it over.. I dont have a plan for that.. and I wont make one. if that happens I want my instints to over ride my common sense. I feel trapped now.. and i see teh cage.. then maybe my body will react in a way that will release me from this circle I'ce gotten caught into.. either way. if I can work myself out of it then I will. and I do hope I can work it out peacfully. mind you if I need pay in blood ( so to speak) I will ..
* dreams*
I have a face, it sees me, all of me, it knows of me in ways I beg to understand. so beautiful, calmingly horrorific, silent and judging its gazes straight through me and beyond to some unseen location, I can not move not anymore.
solid and fluid. its only when a red fog fills the area do I realize I'm in a pool, a large one and the fog is not fog at all, its blood.. thick, warm, deluted enough for me to see that face, floating there in the aquatic silence
I'm cast out. yet remain in the same place, unable to swim.. I know I'm not breathing now, my lungs burn. gasping I plead for air... the blood seeps into my lungs, my skin.. I can feel it filling my eyes. against my will my body stiffens and shakes. shuddering, I can feel my life dieing with in me. it raises alone and confused my life left me .. to rott in that pool.
i am not knowing why or how, I live yet have felt my death, my roots shimmer in the spiraling light from above, I see them.. all of them.. millions of hands, arms and body parts all connected to form a flesh restraint holding me.. killing me ..
In the bottom, the parts course around me all taking there turn holding me there under the bloodied pool .. the stench of rotted corpses fills my nostrels and the whails of the unsated dead shatter my ear drums over and over.
my body ejects its contents while my eyes seem to poor from their sockets, my skin splits, cracks and peels from the bones of my body as my organs begin to float around me, yet still attatched to my muscle structure.my neck gives way. my sight falls again to the floor of the pool, now filling with thousands of gaping faces calling to me with voiceless cries.
thats where I see her. the one face not gaping at me, forcing a deathly blue radiance in the hue of red that fills this pool. that slender, strong flawless face with the silken blue hair that was once blond. her amber eyes seem to fire the grief of millions at me, as though I am to blame for what ever missfortune visited her.
I accept it, with a ravenous lust. embodied with only the purest of hate, the finest pains of depressions, the whitest fires of hells raging tempers, and the most exquisit lusts found in the planes of all that isn't natural. I join the wails.. I join the cries, the screams . .. I begin to cry
*end dream*
this is when I wake. this dream has haunted me nearly every day for the 10 years of my life. i dont understand it.. some times I'm afraid of it.. other time I lust to see her face again.. just once.. its sick. its fucked up.. but its in my head so what ever ..

REHASH OF MY OLD BLOGS pt.1

okay first off let me say this is th efirst of a blog I started back in 2007 I think it was.. **********************************************************

16 Jan 2007
remerance
Current mood:curious
shouldn't be here, shouldn't have came.. a single card from image arts, Fucking christmas.. the cards late, not that it was expected.. no text just a picture of her. no reason. like most things in the imatations that some like us call life action with out reason. the lessons learn through the eyes.
this is one of many thoughts merged into one paragraph. its a quick insight to how a mind can work. and how a single persons perception can twist and defile the purest of intentions.  you wouldn't beleive it I supose that the above said text contains at least 15 full lenght subjects but because for what ever the reason that is how the mind  of one person process's information.
  this could end up being a habit, but most likely not. I used to keep a online write before long time. Now I do not know if I will have the ability to keep effort in this or if it will float slowly to the background and eventually fall into the cold empty digital space that is the internet, only to be view by some fucked up mal-formed abomination of cybernetic's and flesh the human path of evolution seems to be heading, 1000 years from now.


when I used to use my writes, I used to cut, part of the reason I stopped writting. now I've grown up. Not that I ever lost the craving.. interesting thing cutting.. wouldn't recomend it.  I guess that since this be the first "blog" ive written I should prolly spit out some bullshit about myself.. and since most would have stopped reading by now I figure the rest if anyone who reads this deserve some explaination.
names paul, aka ravenlie had a sister once, had a mother, father. one them family things. I gave it up for the most part. wont get to far into that.. it comes out in my writes anyway. grew up watching my dad beatin my mom, my mom beatin my dad, fighting with my sister and traversing canada east to west, and back.. to many fucking times to count. family taught me to lie, family taught me intolerance, hate and pain. the burns that blood can leave in a man. taught me strenght to walk alone. family brought about the turn of innocents.
  From there grew into a young adult.. tripping on my self and my ill mannered ways I came across a person I hadn't realized existed. they taught  me honor. they showed me trust and patience.  he showed me how life is suposed to be, the rights from wrongs, the tolerance of the greys... with my life in his hands, more then once, his patients saved me. I owe him more then I could ever speak .. I consider him my brother because he was the first of what I call family now. 
from there I made some mistakes, I fell into the crowds of people that roam this world looking for ways to get ahead regardless to the effects of there action. watching them scramble over each other like a hord of scourged souls in purgatory getting no where exept push back down, only pausing long enough to embrace the deluted lie that they gained something from it.

I lost my family, and I to fell. I fell into the lies, the hate washed over me again. embedded in my mind, mix with a 40 ounce every other night I lost myself. unable to accept the fate I choose, and ashamed of my failures. I hurt my family.  I to joined the masses of puragtory content to live it out.

into my early 20's  I heard a familliar voice and I follwed it, I froze for it, serious.. I waited 6 hours in 40 below outside a shut down greyhoud. my family helpped me. like a silent and warm hand reaching into the deeps of my drunk'n hell of usless repetition. I was brought to Toronto. brampton to be more exact..
I was home. over a few years there. I learned what reality was. and how I hade been blind. I was accepted, cradled by that cities diversity. able to move freely I quickly captured love, only to let it go that morning. gorging myself in the lights, sounds smell of this new home. my family carefully minding me from the distance.
that's were once again as I seem to be cursed to do, I fell. I let myself come forward. I was "mugged" many times in Bramton and toronto. I let go of what I had learned to keep hidden for some time. my anger. I only once had anything removed from me when I was mugged jumped.. or what ever you would choose to call it. I controled my anger well enough to not injure that which was dear to me. but there is many a stranger to be sorry to have bumped into me.. look at me. or even just be in arms reach at any given time.



Lost in the false lusts of strip clubs, and no better place to put my money. at my job I found my other family memeber. selling the computers I did. for a short till I told off a customer. I was giving the choice to quit or be fired. he walked with me that night after I quit... nights on nights. me him and the other we drank  and watched them girls dance. I learned how to feel good. to smile and mean it. with my drinking buds, I was alive. foolishly live.. I'll never forget the phase "aim for the middle" never.
so much has past. and much I have giving away. in the end of my adventures across this country I've learned many things, seen many faces I'll never forget or rememeber. weather it had been trains planes cars or my own to legs walking me down the entire lenght of Young st. and finch station because I was to proud to bum change I lost..  my family now is pure, strong and mine. regardless to how far away we are now. were a family like anyone elses. from it all I'm now myself. after reading this you may think I'm some foolish kid still pining over my poor me's. so to speak. I have grown up enough to know better, I enjoy many things, I work, I feel like a human. most of the time.


for the rest of teh time I have the internet and porn to sate me.<-- see a joke. yes you may giggle now.

this is a sumed up and blurred version of the past truths to cath you up to speed. mind th espelling grammer and all the other stuff I really dont give a shit about.
5:06 AM