old posts part 6 =)

6 Mar 2007

words, i'm coming undone

Current mood:angry

2 days now. i ben told not to come into work.. I'm so tired of this.. I can't fucking pay my bills with out work.. I want to work.. i want to work overtime... I do exactly as I'm told, I even follow dress code.. there is so many others that dont even do that.. skip work.. fuck around.. and they able to go to work, everyones happy with them.. what the fucking hell.. I dont bother anyone. hell I'm suprised anyone there even know my name.. and yet I ;m being put off.. these fucking kids.. god dam them to hell.. fucking kids that dont have rent, dont have any real bills. and if worse came to worse would have a familly to fall back on .. but here I am.. no familly no safety net of any kinda working my ass off for a company that doesn't want me there.. I'll be looking for a new job starting tomorrow.. still haven't gotten to school. I was suposed to start that a long time ago what the fucking hell.. everything was going fine.. oddly it wasn't until my roomate showed up that things have gone to shit.. and funny thing is the last time I got laid off and things went to shit was when she First moved into my place in T.O since then i've fallen so far that I'm not able to see the light.. so to speak.
I can't help but wonder is she manifesting her negative engeries and effecting my life so much that I'm suffing for it ? I know thats pretty fucking weak.. but its seems just a little odd...
no I can't let that be.. this has got to be something i'm doing.. there has to be a reason I am responcible for.. and I need to find a way to change this... I used to want to find a way out of these kind of times.. but not this time.. I need to get my ass-kicked until I smarten teh fuck up.
and so I say in the words of my favorite clowns!
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU !

******************
21 feb 2007

pictures? go to hell

last night before bed I had a short convo with someone, it was about pictures not dirty or anything but it raised a question in me this morning.. What the fuck is the big motherfucking deal deal about pictures.. anyway I told the person my head hasn't been straight and I forgot.. mainly becuase the past couple of days my suger level have been fucked up and I've been having trouble seeing straight and head eches and the such.. she told me fuck you and that was last of it.. well I hope you read this if not I'll fuckin email it to you.. all I can say is fuck you too, because if you think my health should be on the back burner in regards to you and you wants.. you can go fuck yourself 50 ways from fucking sun down and go to hell.
have a happy fuckin day!

********************
16 Feb 2007

messednup

Current mood:weird

come to me with hate, come to me with love,
come to me with saddness, come to me with joy
one day some where your going to be my toy...
I dont need your forgivness... I need your hate..
I dont need your compassion, I need your rage.
soon, you will be in this cage.
seek the fire, find the pain
seek the lights, find the rain,
its about time the blood came,
wether yours or mine it doesn't matter.
its all the same

*************8
48 and a half hours sleep dep....and still awake.

part 2 of the old blog

Again old blogging recap
*********

17 Jan 2007

who knows..

Current mood:drained

*i know this site is public, but I request if you take something from my blog as a quote or other wise, i ask you to ask me first and formost. Please.*

heh.. i made it back. wierd.. maybe typical. I dont get it, been pretty up beat about things for some time. but latley I've just gone down. I guess its to be expected though. I was with a girl for 4 years this aug. was engaged to marrie her and all that. I should have known better. theres a long story to her, but the deal is I helpped her up outta the gutter so to speak, and while doing so I found myself attracted to her, inturn her to me and we fucked like rabbits, naturally. the relation went on and things were... decent.
then we moved to a new city while I tried to work out a future that would keep us both in a good spot, no it wasn't illegal eitehr, but then lies, drugs more drugs, and some more drugs wasted her away from me.. then stealing .. I left her. for a month I was happy, felt good .. aware of myself being a human being.. away from her I felt as though I had a chance. she was suposed to go to school, that didn't happen.. many times now.. finally before I left her I told her get her life in order and we have a chance.. build your own life in your own way, on your own now.. I'm not our dady and you need to do this yourself for our sakes...
I left. shes living with me again.. until sept. shes suposed to go to school.. I couldn't say no. she has no were else to go. so we were to remain friends. and thats it in a nut shell you have the life of the sucker upto date.. 26 full years of it.. dam it..
when we started I told her it may not last and you'll need to be ready for it. when we moved she promised no more drugs and was going to grow up.. the same month we moved she broke that promis.. the biggest promis of all she took from me.. I told her to not give up. if you give up and let go of all we had built together for our future, then I'll give up on you and leave.
I kept my word I left. and shes here.. still.. telling her friends that we've worked it out.. he mom even doesn't know. like there some hope between us. like some Fucking mirracale is going to erase the past. no .
now that she has her cable tv plugged in and such Im sure she'llo be cozy on the couch.. what ever I dont care anymore, I mean she pays half teh rent, food and all her half the bills, thats a plus. makes it easier for me to pay my bills. and with more bills I pay off the closer I am to stepping into a new life for myself.
my worry is that inablity to except the fact its over is going to collide headstrong into my life and knock it over.. I dont have a plan for that.. and I wont make one. if that happens I want my instints to over ride my common sense. I feel trapped now.. and i see teh cage.. then maybe my body will react in a way that will release me from this circle I'ce gotten caught into.. either way. if I can work myself out of it then I will. and I do hope I can work it out peacfully. mind you if I need pay in blood ( so to speak) I will ..
* dreams*
I have a face, it sees me, all of me, it knows of me in ways I beg to understand. so beautiful, calmingly horrorific, silent and judging its gazes straight through me and beyond to some unseen location, I can not move not anymore.
solid and fluid. its only when a red fog fills the area do I realize I'm in a pool, a large one and the fog is not fog at all, its blood.. thick, warm, deluted enough for me to see that face, floating there in the aquatic silence
I'm cast out. yet remain in the same place, unable to swim.. I know I'm not breathing now, my lungs burn. gasping I plead for air... the blood seeps into my lungs, my skin.. I can feel it filling my eyes. against my will my body stiffens and shakes. shuddering, I can feel my life dieing with in me. it raises alone and confused my life left me .. to rott in that pool.
i am not knowing why or how, I live yet have felt my death, my roots shimmer in the spiraling light from above, I see them.. all of them.. millions of hands, arms and body parts all connected to form a flesh restraint holding me.. killing me ..
In the bottom, the parts course around me all taking there turn holding me there under the bloodied pool .. the stench of rotted corpses fills my nostrels and the whails of the unsated dead shatter my ear drums over and over.
my body ejects its contents while my eyes seem to poor from their sockets, my skin splits, cracks and peels from the bones of my body as my organs begin to float around me, yet still attatched to my muscle structure.my neck gives way. my sight falls again to the floor of the pool, now filling with thousands of gaping faces calling to me with voiceless cries.
thats where I see her. the one face not gaping at me, forcing a deathly blue radiance in the hue of red that fills this pool. that slender, strong flawless face with the silken blue hair that was once blond. her amber eyes seem to fire the grief of millions at me, as though I am to blame for what ever missfortune visited her.
I accept it, with a ravenous lust. embodied with only the purest of hate, the finest pains of depressions, the whitest fires of hells raging tempers, and the most exquisit lusts found in the planes of all that isn't natural. I join the wails.. I join the cries, the screams . .. I begin to cry
*end dream*
this is when I wake. this dream has haunted me nearly every day for the 10 years of my life. i dont understand it.. some times I'm afraid of it.. other time I lust to see her face again.. just once.. its sick. its fucked up.. but its in my head so what ever ..