what can I do..

been a while figure I should come back here more often. I started counciling missed my last apt. though.. I gotta fix that.. been so tired as of late.. with the way things are going I wonder what the life is going to turn out like.

alot of the time i feel like my life already turned out and I missed it. serves me right for sitting on my ass though. I can't beleive how hard it is. and for every day I dont... it gets harder to do. I know I have friends out there.. but they can't hold me up forever. I've been working hard core on the gas ticket.. but man it just feels like I dont retain anything.. the teach seems to cancle class more often then I would like.

been looking at the days go by.. its march again.
I dont know what to say.. the 3rd of every month has Always been a bad day for me. Last year was the most painful. this year doesn't feel any better. maybe that why I'm out for the count right now. it could be, the 3rd holds a dear and special place with me in the month of march. doesn't make it hurt less.

maybe its me, maybe Im so fucked up now that there truely is no rest. perma penants. a toll has to be paid for what happened, a toll that must be weighed and placed strictly upon me.

Stupid, just stupid. with the note of every sound of every day I can hear I curse. silently, Deeply inside me. I scream at them each and every one. even my love for the hate within me has seemingly died off. A nihilistic numbness white washed me from the inside. But it doesn't stop the cold lifeless tears of sorrow that spill over me every night since. in silence I'm forced to be still and pay for things I have to pay.

it always goes unnoticed.. cept for when I explode. when I get up and stomp, snip at everything I think, say and do or dont do. with every act of love i burn up inside. with every pathetic reach out I endure.. my mind and heart always come back to here. In one sick way or another.

some would say its a curse of my own doing, and as right as you all may be, its a blessing in my eyes. I will not forget. ever. I wont forget being accused of murder, being lied to by doctors. I wont forget being ignored by officials, laughed and scofffed at by co-workers.

I wont forget wut I said either. I wont forget what I wrote, how I felt, what I saw. I wont forget you ever. my love, my darling, my beautiful little princess, my daughter Nalia.

1 year later, I can still feel the course warmed blanket in my arms. I was unable to fight for you. I cry but I dont know what to feel.. that's where I'm at now, I am so lost that I have to make a choice to feel the things I'm suposed to.

except for when I'm alone, the house quiet and no one it looking. that when we are together and I can feel.. but i dont know what it is, all I know is to cry, to wail and beg..just like last year.
I told myself I would rise from all this with strength and make something of myself and this situation. I did not realize how much harder I would make things. we are our own worse enemy.

It takes every bit of me left this close to her birthday.. not to cut out my heart and hold it bare before wittness to the gods in exchange. Even if it was for one single moment.. I would. I would forsake everything that is left, for just one minute ...

So lets do this..

My daughter, My love
Nalia, I wanted you know something you will never get to see.

ugh..fuck. I cant do this... i'm so sorry.