okay first off let me say this is th efirst of a blog I started back in 2007 I think it was..
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16 Jan 2007
remerance
Current mood:curious
shouldn't be here, shouldn't have came.. a single card from image arts, Fucking christmas.. the cards late, not that it was expected.. no text just a picture of her. no reason. like most things in the imatations that some like us call life action with out reason. the lessons learn through the eyes.
this is one of many thoughts merged into one paragraph. its a quick insight to how a mind can work. and how a single persons perception can twist and defile the purest of intentions. you wouldn't beleive it I supose that the above said text contains at least 15 full lenght subjects but because for what ever the reason that is how the mind of one person process's information.
this could end up being a habit, but most likely not. I used to keep a online write before long time. Now I do not know if I will have the ability to keep effort in this or if it will float slowly to the background and eventually fall into the cold empty digital space that is the internet, only to be view by some fucked up mal-formed abomination of cybernetic's and flesh the human path of evolution seems to be heading, 1000 years from now.
when I used to use my writes, I used to cut, part of the reason I stopped writting. now I've grown up. Not that I ever lost the craving.. interesting thing cutting.. wouldn't recomend it. I guess that since this be the first "blog" ive written I should prolly spit out some bullshit about myself.. and since most would have stopped reading by now I figure the rest if anyone who reads this deserve some explaination.
names paul, aka ravenlie had a sister once, had a mother, father. one them family things. I gave it up for the most part. wont get to far into that.. it comes out in my writes anyway. grew up watching my dad beatin my mom, my mom beatin my dad, fighting with my sister and traversing canada east to west, and back.. to many fucking times to count. family taught me to lie, family taught me intolerance, hate and pain. the burns that blood can leave in a man. taught me strenght to walk alone. family brought about the turn of innocents.
From there grew into a young adult.. tripping on my self and my ill mannered ways I came across a person I hadn't realized existed. they taught me honor. they showed me trust and patience. he showed me how life is suposed to be, the rights from wrongs, the tolerance of the greys... with my life in his hands, more then once, his patients saved me. I owe him more then I could ever speak .. I consider him my brother because he was the first of what I call family now.
from there I made some mistakes, I fell into the crowds of people that roam this world looking for ways to get ahead regardless to the effects of there action. watching them scramble over each other like a hord of scourged souls in purgatory getting no where exept push back down, only pausing long enough to embrace the deluted lie that they gained something from it.
I lost my family, and I to fell. I fell into the lies, the hate washed over me again. embedded in my mind, mix with a 40 ounce every other night I lost myself. unable to accept the fate I choose, and ashamed of my failures. I hurt my family. I to joined the masses of puragtory content to live it out.
into my early 20's I heard a familliar voice and I follwed it, I froze for it, serious.. I waited 6 hours in 40 below outside a shut down greyhoud. my family helpped me. like a silent and warm hand reaching into the deeps of my drunk'n hell of usless repetition. I was brought to Toronto. brampton to be more exact..
I was home. over a few years there. I learned what reality was. and how I hade been blind. I was accepted, cradled by that cities diversity. able to move freely I quickly captured love, only to let it go that morning. gorging myself in the lights, sounds smell of this new home. my family carefully minding me from the distance.
that's were once again as I seem to be cursed to do, I fell. I let myself come forward. I was "mugged" many times in Bramton and toronto. I let go of what I had learned to keep hidden for some time. my anger. I only once had anything removed from me when I was mugged jumped.. or what ever you would choose to call it. I controled my anger well enough to not injure that which was dear to me. but there is many a stranger to be sorry to have bumped into me.. look at me. or even just be in arms reach at any given time.
Lost in the false lusts of strip clubs, and no better place to put my money. at my job I found my other family memeber. selling the computers I did. for a short till I told off a customer. I was giving the choice to quit or be fired. he walked with me that night after I quit... nights on nights. me him and the other we drank and watched them girls dance. I learned how to feel good. to smile and mean it. with my drinking buds, I was alive. foolishly live.. I'll never forget the phase "aim for the middle" never.
so much has past. and much I have giving away. in the end of my adventures across this country I've learned many things, seen many faces I'll never forget or rememeber. weather it had been trains planes cars or my own to legs walking me down the entire lenght of Young st. and finch station because I was to proud to bum change I lost.. my family now is pure, strong and mine. regardless to how far away we are now. were a family like anyone elses. from it all I'm now myself. after reading this you may think I'm some foolish kid still pining over my poor me's. so to speak. I have grown up enough to know better, I enjoy many things, I work, I feel like a human. most of the time.
for the rest of teh time I have the internet and porn to sate me.<-- see a joke. yes you may giggle now.
this is a sumed up and blurred version of the past truths to cath you up to speed. mind th espelling grammer and all the other stuff I really dont give a shit about.
5:06 AM
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