part 2 of the old blog

Again old blogging recap
*********

17 Jan 2007

who knows..

Current mood:drained

*i know this site is public, but I request if you take something from my blog as a quote or other wise, i ask you to ask me first and formost. Please.*

heh.. i made it back. wierd.. maybe typical. I dont get it, been pretty up beat about things for some time. but latley I've just gone down. I guess its to be expected though. I was with a girl for 4 years this aug. was engaged to marrie her and all that. I should have known better. theres a long story to her, but the deal is I helpped her up outta the gutter so to speak, and while doing so I found myself attracted to her, inturn her to me and we fucked like rabbits, naturally. the relation went on and things were... decent.
then we moved to a new city while I tried to work out a future that would keep us both in a good spot, no it wasn't illegal eitehr, but then lies, drugs more drugs, and some more drugs wasted her away from me.. then stealing .. I left her. for a month I was happy, felt good .. aware of myself being a human being.. away from her I felt as though I had a chance. she was suposed to go to school, that didn't happen.. many times now.. finally before I left her I told her get her life in order and we have a chance.. build your own life in your own way, on your own now.. I'm not our dady and you need to do this yourself for our sakes...
I left. shes living with me again.. until sept. shes suposed to go to school.. I couldn't say no. she has no were else to go. so we were to remain friends. and thats it in a nut shell you have the life of the sucker upto date.. 26 full years of it.. dam it..
when we started I told her it may not last and you'll need to be ready for it. when we moved she promised no more drugs and was going to grow up.. the same month we moved she broke that promis.. the biggest promis of all she took from me.. I told her to not give up. if you give up and let go of all we had built together for our future, then I'll give up on you and leave.
I kept my word I left. and shes here.. still.. telling her friends that we've worked it out.. he mom even doesn't know. like there some hope between us. like some Fucking mirracale is going to erase the past. no .
now that she has her cable tv plugged in and such Im sure she'llo be cozy on the couch.. what ever I dont care anymore, I mean she pays half teh rent, food and all her half the bills, thats a plus. makes it easier for me to pay my bills. and with more bills I pay off the closer I am to stepping into a new life for myself.
my worry is that inablity to except the fact its over is going to collide headstrong into my life and knock it over.. I dont have a plan for that.. and I wont make one. if that happens I want my instints to over ride my common sense. I feel trapped now.. and i see teh cage.. then maybe my body will react in a way that will release me from this circle I'ce gotten caught into.. either way. if I can work myself out of it then I will. and I do hope I can work it out peacfully. mind you if I need pay in blood ( so to speak) I will ..
* dreams*
I have a face, it sees me, all of me, it knows of me in ways I beg to understand. so beautiful, calmingly horrorific, silent and judging its gazes straight through me and beyond to some unseen location, I can not move not anymore.
solid and fluid. its only when a red fog fills the area do I realize I'm in a pool, a large one and the fog is not fog at all, its blood.. thick, warm, deluted enough for me to see that face, floating there in the aquatic silence
I'm cast out. yet remain in the same place, unable to swim.. I know I'm not breathing now, my lungs burn. gasping I plead for air... the blood seeps into my lungs, my skin.. I can feel it filling my eyes. against my will my body stiffens and shakes. shuddering, I can feel my life dieing with in me. it raises alone and confused my life left me .. to rott in that pool.
i am not knowing why or how, I live yet have felt my death, my roots shimmer in the spiraling light from above, I see them.. all of them.. millions of hands, arms and body parts all connected to form a flesh restraint holding me.. killing me ..
In the bottom, the parts course around me all taking there turn holding me there under the bloodied pool .. the stench of rotted corpses fills my nostrels and the whails of the unsated dead shatter my ear drums over and over.
my body ejects its contents while my eyes seem to poor from their sockets, my skin splits, cracks and peels from the bones of my body as my organs begin to float around me, yet still attatched to my muscle structure.my neck gives way. my sight falls again to the floor of the pool, now filling with thousands of gaping faces calling to me with voiceless cries.
thats where I see her. the one face not gaping at me, forcing a deathly blue radiance in the hue of red that fills this pool. that slender, strong flawless face with the silken blue hair that was once blond. her amber eyes seem to fire the grief of millions at me, as though I am to blame for what ever missfortune visited her.
I accept it, with a ravenous lust. embodied with only the purest of hate, the finest pains of depressions, the whitest fires of hells raging tempers, and the most exquisit lusts found in the planes of all that isn't natural. I join the wails.. I join the cries, the screams . .. I begin to cry
*end dream*
this is when I wake. this dream has haunted me nearly every day for the 10 years of my life. i dont understand it.. some times I'm afraid of it.. other time I lust to see her face again.. just once.. its sick. its fucked up.. but its in my head so what ever ..

mornings

I woke up this morning in such spot.. I was filled with hate, rage anger.. my mind seem stuck in places I can't forget. I feel pain so much so often. it's sickening that this is how I am. i've spent the last few years Trying desprately to be positive. thinking and acting to the best of my ability to be happy. it's hard fucking work I say. today started like so many in the past that it's even harder not to scream out of terror I feel for the pain in me. not to mention every tim eI feel I need to change me, it always comes back to the same place. the hate, anger and pain. It's nothing for me to just stop, I've been there knocking on that door so often it's cause me more pain that I dont open the door. I have kids so I can't I have people who depend on me to be there, even if it's just for a hug. so I don't open it..

although it's like people dont get it. it's what I want, it has been for years and years.. 20+ years I've been living with the grief of living.. the pain others saught to place apon my shoulders because they couldn't bare it. the depressions and sorrows and whoes of all those people now resting soley on my shoulders, while they move forward and into a bright and lasting future it's all I can do to breath.

I want death. absolute, unlieing, total truth. the one thing in existence I can trust, love with out fear of pain, desire with out retribution. death does not have the cruelty that life offers.
for me death is simple and straight to the point. you dead, that it. if there is heaven and hell, limbo and the sorts then fine. if Im going to suffer in death then so be it.
there is no greater pain then to love a person. period. people lie, cheat, JUSTIFY there action through selfish logic. people cause pain, bring about plagues of saddness and force pain down your throat, over and over it's about them, it's about how they feel, it's about what they want, it's about what needs to be done for them to be happy.

in all the support, in all the "love" in all the life you lead with that one person you love. it's for them. all of it, even life it self seems to stop you from making that one final choice. death.
what if I chose that line, what happens if I did choose my self over the others. I would be proclaimed illegal, coward, self involved loser.

is that the truth though? would the people I was there for stand up and say that isn't right? woudl they tell their tell in truth to the fact of my aid, my honor? and my efforts to help them? would the ones I love, loved stand up and say no to any that cursed my choice, woudl they tell of how I would, and did go to the farthest lengths to make them feel loved, happy, cared about, ...wanted. would people tell of how in all the things I did do, as meager as they may have been in thier perceptions be able to say I was good, and strong, real, decent and that it was the lies of mankind, humanities self indulgent way that killed me.

no, no one in there right mind wwould have the balls to stand up for someone like me. This isn't a pity rant, I want non of that, Im mearly looking at the fact that to choose death before she chooses me, is considered wrong, and the world around me would simply take advantage of the moment to cry and feel sorry for themselves, to take there momentary spot light of who feels more pseudo pain for my lose then the others.

I want death, I always have, I accepted the challenge of life, but I do not want it, not any more. I cant lie in this perpetually falsified life. I dont want people to pretend they love me, I do not want to be lied to, given half truths and grey areas... I dont want to be faked into believing I am wanted, cared about or cared for, loved, enjoyed, respected, or anything that Anyone else in this life/world gets from people around them.

Im tired of telling myself to trust when it turns out to be lies, only to be instructed it wasn't a lie, merely I did not understand the intentions and meaning of wut was told to me.. if Im that idiotic then cast me out to the piss filled sewers and unmarked grve of those not worth living. put me where I belong amongst the weak and dammed.

cease the taunting and teasing with the morsels of life I do crave. leave your warming nurturing arms at bay. do not dangle love, happiness and all the things I hold so holy to my heart in front of me only to take it way for wut you want.

this isn't a matter of poor me, slice slice crap either I feel no pain in writting these words. after 20+ years of living with it, I have grown quite numb to the idea of death. I do not choose it as a way out, I no longer feel guilt and regret for wanting it. I simply want life to end.

I dont want to wake up feeling wrong, sick, sad, hurt, angry, upset drepessed. I dont want to be held and and loved by those that would see me burn in the flames of what they can justify as righteousness penants.
father I have sinned for those made in your image at their behest. I choose my fate in life, to do the thing I was meant to do for others around me, for their sake, and for mine. and really it's time for me to leave and go back to the mud filth and dirt of my grave.

grammer speling check later.. I'm being summoned for more of others needs, and thus mine are to be swept aside once again.