fail dad

woo.. is this stress? is this life? I just dont know how to tell. where does that line come into play? is there a line? I mean is life stress? im sure to find a bumper sticker that says just that.. but what now.. I can't just turn and walk. that dont work anymore.. im to old, theres to much as stake. it hurts to see myself in this place.. this spot in life. theres still so much oppertunities, chances ahead of me, of us. but here I am again.. hidden away in the basement. just trying to keep things happy, calm.. I want to help out, but I can't.. when I try to involve myself, im pushed aside, underminded and ignored. our oldest is the poster for this familys attitude towards me. my youngest I cling to when I can.. and he know it.. am I sad? tired? and I sick in the head to live like this? will I endure until my snapping point and become like that freak on crimminal minds.. a door mat to his family, until he snaps kills them and makes up a delousion to live in? okay well thats rather laughable lol.. just god dam..

I can't even clean.. because whats the point, there is no attemps to keep it that way. i'm pressing into my 30's wether I want to or not.. but no one in this house is even close to growing up.. .....


sometimes I just want to scream what my definition is.
I'm not a red neck.. im not a slob. im not dirty. im not care free or careless. im focused. im clean. im structured. i have a way of doign things.. i dont expect others to follow. I was raised with respect. responcibilities. spelling isn't one of them. habits.. habit .. habits.. I have bad ones. I have good ones.. but this? i can't .. can I ? i dont know anymore.. I jsut dont know.. hell I've never known until its over.. hindsight and all that.. lessons learned.. I was taught to learn. to adapt. to create boundries and lines.. places not to cross, places you just dont let happen. but thats all on the inside.. hidden away like me, here in the basement.. either not allowed to surface, or unwilling to be lost in the turmoils of this life. something real of me, for a real life.. something special secret. thats how I feel. thats how this feels.. a stop over to the rest .. rest of what? .... what, wut, wat.. wot... what.. I know this .. i know the answers and what Can come next. if you'd just listen to me, follow me, and do what I do, listen to whats said and Learn something.. I dont care about teh "buts" if I look up the sky is blue, and thats it.. right there,,... the sky is blue right there and then.. sure it can change.. it can turn tones and colors besides blue.. but right then at that point .. if its blue, its blue.. none of that ifs.. buts.. or what not.. its blue.


I feel liek your stealing from me.. sometimes everything, I dont know you anymore.. and judging by wut I can see, im not sure I want to. I think I resent you.. for taking my family away.. and making sure everytime I try to become part of it, you twist and fidle with word games until I just want to go back to my hole ... /fail dad