mornings

I woke up this morning in such spot.. I was filled with hate, rage anger.. my mind seem stuck in places I can't forget. I feel pain so much so often. it's sickening that this is how I am. i've spent the last few years Trying desprately to be positive. thinking and acting to the best of my ability to be happy. it's hard fucking work I say. today started like so many in the past that it's even harder not to scream out of terror I feel for the pain in me. not to mention every tim eI feel I need to change me, it always comes back to the same place. the hate, anger and pain. It's nothing for me to just stop, I've been there knocking on that door so often it's cause me more pain that I dont open the door. I have kids so I can't I have people who depend on me to be there, even if it's just for a hug. so I don't open it..

although it's like people dont get it. it's what I want, it has been for years and years.. 20+ years I've been living with the grief of living.. the pain others saught to place apon my shoulders because they couldn't bare it. the depressions and sorrows and whoes of all those people now resting soley on my shoulders, while they move forward and into a bright and lasting future it's all I can do to breath.

I want death. absolute, unlieing, total truth. the one thing in existence I can trust, love with out fear of pain, desire with out retribution. death does not have the cruelty that life offers.
for me death is simple and straight to the point. you dead, that it. if there is heaven and hell, limbo and the sorts then fine. if Im going to suffer in death then so be it.
there is no greater pain then to love a person. period. people lie, cheat, JUSTIFY there action through selfish logic. people cause pain, bring about plagues of saddness and force pain down your throat, over and over it's about them, it's about how they feel, it's about what they want, it's about what needs to be done for them to be happy.

in all the support, in all the "love" in all the life you lead with that one person you love. it's for them. all of it, even life it self seems to stop you from making that one final choice. death.
what if I chose that line, what happens if I did choose my self over the others. I would be proclaimed illegal, coward, self involved loser.

is that the truth though? would the people I was there for stand up and say that isn't right? woudl they tell their tell in truth to the fact of my aid, my honor? and my efforts to help them? would the ones I love, loved stand up and say no to any that cursed my choice, woudl they tell of how I would, and did go to the farthest lengths to make them feel loved, happy, cared about, ...wanted. would people tell of how in all the things I did do, as meager as they may have been in thier perceptions be able to say I was good, and strong, real, decent and that it was the lies of mankind, humanities self indulgent way that killed me.

no, no one in there right mind wwould have the balls to stand up for someone like me. This isn't a pity rant, I want non of that, Im mearly looking at the fact that to choose death before she chooses me, is considered wrong, and the world around me would simply take advantage of the moment to cry and feel sorry for themselves, to take there momentary spot light of who feels more pseudo pain for my lose then the others.

I want death, I always have, I accepted the challenge of life, but I do not want it, not any more. I cant lie in this perpetually falsified life. I dont want people to pretend they love me, I do not want to be lied to, given half truths and grey areas... I dont want to be faked into believing I am wanted, cared about or cared for, loved, enjoyed, respected, or anything that Anyone else in this life/world gets from people around them.

Im tired of telling myself to trust when it turns out to be lies, only to be instructed it wasn't a lie, merely I did not understand the intentions and meaning of wut was told to me.. if Im that idiotic then cast me out to the piss filled sewers and unmarked grve of those not worth living. put me where I belong amongst the weak and dammed.

cease the taunting and teasing with the morsels of life I do crave. leave your warming nurturing arms at bay. do not dangle love, happiness and all the things I hold so holy to my heart in front of me only to take it way for wut you want.

this isn't a matter of poor me, slice slice crap either I feel no pain in writting these words. after 20+ years of living with it, I have grown quite numb to the idea of death. I do not choose it as a way out, I no longer feel guilt and regret for wanting it. I simply want life to end.

I dont want to wake up feeling wrong, sick, sad, hurt, angry, upset drepessed. I dont want to be held and and loved by those that would see me burn in the flames of what they can justify as righteousness penants.
father I have sinned for those made in your image at their behest. I choose my fate in life, to do the thing I was meant to do for others around me, for their sake, and for mine. and really it's time for me to leave and go back to the mud filth and dirt of my grave.

grammer speling check later.. I'm being summoned for more of others needs, and thus mine are to be swept aside once again.

unexpected.... can it be okay to feel.

I am saddened and nearly heart broken by a video game of all things... its a curious circumstance. is this the rpg video game the new paper back novel? for those that still read paper backs, you know whatI mean.. loosing yourself to the story, page of end pages of different worlds with different characters, relating to them, in approval or scorn of their choices but none the less turning page after page of story...



the emotional investment one places in those books, has come to me in this game.. I will not name it, as though its my saving grace, or diamond in the rough. but as i listened to her song, as I felt her voice slip past the hardened angered person I normally am. my heart gave pause, my skin became tangable and alive with goose bumps. as her song played, I felt it inside my body, as though my innards had goose bumps as well.



a heavy lump began to mass in my throat, and it was all I could to hold back memory after memory of myself, in a kind of reflection... I layed my head low, allowing her music into myself.

it was all I could do not to hold my resolve and not begin to cry. i wanted to cry for her song was of saddness and hope, but I wanted to cry for her as well, as in this game my character had an invested intest, only to betray her at a critical moment, and when my memories began to flow it was even more of a reason.





many here do not know me well enough to know.. but for me to remember something of my past is a feat, to be achieved only by the godess and gods themselves..

to much to little?

my finger tips burn from the skin peeling away. the cracks run deep into my flesh. my head pounds like a poorly written bass line. its hard to brewath, shallow breaths only. the deeper I try to breath the hotter the fire in my chest burns... my blood pressures is up again, the pains and numb flashes are back... my hands shake and when I lay down on my back my legs twitch nearly uncontrolled.

I told the doctors I need help. I told them i can not sleep more then 3-4 hours a day, I told them, about everything above. I told them about the pain, and the sight I have, i think im seeing things. i told them about teh voice. the voice of Meng-Gawg. the things I hear .. I know i can not beleive. I know were the lines are drawn in my sanity . but its all there.. the bleeding, the pain.. the hurtting and the saddness.

I lost my baby girl. recently. i told the doctors this too.. I lost her because of them..
all I want is help. some one to take me seriously.. some one to take a test. or listen to whats in my head. all I want it help. help before I wind up dead.