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18 Mar 2007
mad ramblings
Current mood:
tired
its in there.. I know it is.. i've felt it a hundred times before.. and old fire.. beyond the years of my life.. beyond that which time it self has tracked.. a fire burning. white hot, an endless flame that lights my nerves a blaze with sensation. almost like being on E. but with out the fluid draining from my spine. I can't explain. but more often then not that fire has be dimmed and relitively unfelt for many years now.. with out me realizing it.. its be so far away from me. i've grown accustom to not having it around. but lately its come back.. in force, there are times when I can feel the burn inside me, so much so that I begin to sweat. I can feel the life I had before the end came to me. I know I made the choice to let it go. in hopes I could grasp control of my life again. but now its back, I'm happy to feel it again. in time to help me above the closing darkness I feel creeping across my mind and body.. I should say though. it's only when Im around certain people, do I feel the life come back to me . only when I'm with them do I feel as though I'm not some corperate drone shuffling about some grey and bleek office building making up useless policys to bring everyone else down.. well you get the idea dont you. I haven't known many people in the past 6 years now I've been reasonably non existent, or a shadow of what I used to be. its hard to brake that habit. its hard to be something other then that shadow I've known for so long. I can see the surace of the water.. even with my debts regrets and painful thoughts of remorse for my past I can feel the surface of the waters around me.. as though I'm slowly getting closer to life.. maybe I can breath freely again.. some day soon I hope. I'm so tired of this self induced purgatory I have placed myself in .. now I'm so lost that I dont remember how to swim.. and I dont think I can tread this water much longer.. so this wieght lifted from me seems to give me strength and hope that one day soon I will be me again. I'm sure you know what I mean.. the shell we place ourselves in .. the little hollow'd room with nothing but ourselves and our own demons in it. is it worth it to look beyond today .. I cant help but wonder that.. I can't help but wonder alot of things.. things that make me unsure of who I am .. I used to try to be a good person but nowa days I just try not to piss anyone off .. too much. tiredseen this before lost it back then.. not sure what happened.. but like most times I'll prolly fuck this up too.. they dont know me.. they dont know what I am like.. most of the friends I had didn't know me ntil it was to late as well.. and things worked out fine then.. but I still am afraid to showup and be me.. I wish I could do that again.. I want to be the freak I was so long ago. if I could figure out a means to pay the bills and still be the dark stain on public eye I was, would be a dream come true
do you ever get tired when you start to clean.. its the most fucked up thing. i start to clean the house and before I'm done with a single chore I'm so tired I could easily curl up and go to sleep.. same thing happens when I'm reading. aww fuck it.. I'm gonna go to sleep then.. ciao ciao
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