old blog part 7- insanity at it's best

more older  blogs, enjoy share it if you could please lol would like to get this stuff out and read/commented on.... in english please
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18 Mar 2007

mad ramblings

Current mood:tired

its in there.. I know it is.. i've felt it a hundred times before.. and old fire.. beyond the years of my life.. beyond that which time it self has tracked.. a fire burning. white hot, an endless flame that lights my nerves a blaze with sensation. almost like being on E. but with out the fluid draining from my spine. I can't explain. but more often then not that fire has be dimmed and relitively unfelt for many years now.. with out me realizing it.. its be so far away from me. i've grown accustom to not having it around. but lately its come back.. in force, there are times when I can feel the burn inside me, so much so that I begin to sweat. I can feel the life I had before the end came to me. I know I made the choice to let it go. in hopes I could grasp control of my life again. but now its back, I'm happy to feel it again. in time to help me above the closing darkness I feel creeping across my mind and body.. I should say though. it's only when Im around certain people, do I feel the life come back to me . only when I'm with them do I feel as though I'm not some corperate drone shuffling about some grey and bleek office building making up useless policys to bring everyone else down.. well you get the idea dont you. I haven't known many people in the past 6 years now I've been reasonably non existent, or a shadow of what I used to be. its hard to brake that habit. its hard to be something other then that shadow I've known for so long. I can see the surace of the water.. even with my debts regrets and painful thoughts of remorse for my past I can feel the surface of the waters around me.. as though I'm slowly getting closer to life.. maybe I can breath freely again.. some day soon I hope. I'm so tired of this self induced purgatory I have placed myself in .. now I'm so lost that I dont remember how to swim.. and I dont think I can tread this water much longer.. so this wieght lifted from me seems to give me strength and hope that one day soon I will be me again. I'm sure you know what I mean.. the shell we place ourselves in .. the little hollow'd room with nothing but ourselves and our own demons in it. is it worth it to look beyond today .. I cant help but wonder that.. I can't help but wonder alot of things.. things that make me unsure of who I am .. I used to try to be a good person but nowa days I just try not to piss anyone off .. too much.
seen this before lost it back then.. not sure what happened.. but like most times I'll prolly fuck this up too.. they dont know me.. they dont know what I am like.. most of the friends I had didn't know me ntil it was to late as well.. and things worked out fine then.. but I still am afraid to showup and be me.. I wish I could do that again.. I want to be the freak I was so long ago. if I could figure out a means to pay the bills and still be the dark stain on public eye I was, would be a dream come true
do you ever get tired when you start to clean.. its the most fucked up thing. i start to clean the house and before I'm done with a single chore I'm so tired I could easily curl up and go to sleep.. same thing happens when I'm reading. aww fuck it.. I'm gonna go to sleep then.. ciao ciao

4:36am

The Ride Home

more stuff from old

26 Jan 2007

The Ride Home

Current mood:lonely

It was cold, I was so tired, I hate ridding busses so it wasn't like i was going to sleep ,there was a few of us on the bus that night. not that I was paying any care to it, the only concern I had was a scuffle outside the buss with a drunk and the driver refusing his ticket.. thankfully the driver won with the police help he was removed.
The bus lerched forward, I took off my jacket content in knowing I had the back of the hound to myself. I didn't see her, I didn't know she was watching me. the faint smell of her french perfume wafted near me, but unfazed I pulled out my loved copy of dante's inferno.
Slowly reading through page by page, I failed to notice she had moved into the seat closes to the walk way. It wasn't until the bus shuddered and the sound of the sleep rails (sleep rail- series of divits cut into the shoulder of the road to alert you when your drifting to close to the edge.) rattled me to attention that I noticed her. I jumped up dropping my hard cover book onto my groin I grunted at a mild pinch of pain.
In the hue of blue from the back lights of the bus I stared directly into her beautiful chestnut eyes, watching them shimmer in the passing lights of a car going the oposit direction. time stopped, and allowed me to burn her face into my mind, her cheeks strong and firm yet rounded just enough to give her soft, almost caring look to her. when she smiled at me with her midnight black lips revealing her polished teeth perfectly allined. her pale skin looks as though she was dead or had been frozen maybe.. with the contrast of the lighting and her make up. her hair flowed staticless around her slender smooth flawless neck, as though it was made of statin. resting solftly around the neck of her leather trench.
cocking my head slightly to the side as if to silently inquire if she needed anything, I was about to actually talk to this undead goddess but I couldn't. spell bound, entranced by her flawless, divinely awe striking beauty I was powerless.. I couldnt move. I was .. afraid. I could feel my self beging to shudder with embarasment. I could feel a cold bead of sweat begining to form just under my hairline. had the driver turn on the heat.. I couldn't tell.. I wanted to move, I wanted to say something.. I couldn't.. the fear consumed me. me of all people the guy that can walk down young street in T.O while wearing a black pvc fetish gear in broad daylight while singing lala'byies... couldn't talk or move. I didn't want her to go, I didn't want her to get "wierded" out by my staring. I was afraid to beak this moment.
as though time herself understood my desire for it to wait just only a moment, I sat there watching as her lips form into a curl, her hand raising up and over me, picking up my book in slow motion.. " I love dante's work." her voice was to me as the voice of a siren, calling to me.. filling me with goose bumps. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stiffen.
" And what do I owe the honor of your divine undead presence?" I calmly and slowly whispered out.. thinking to myself.. no screaming to myself " you Fucking Lame punk bitch ass fool.. what the fuck did you do the cheese line ffor.."
she turned placing one of her pale smooth knees on the seat between us, bringing her other leg forward and using her hands to crawl her way gracefully to my ear. her sweet breath sending the warmest shivers across my ear and spine as she spoke " read to me, the tails of the lustful circles of hell." I felt like I was in love, my veins instantly let a flame, burning pure white, my eyes cleared and it seemed as though I was seeing life though a HD (high deffinition) TV.
I watched her reach up to turn of the over head light, pausing only to check on the driver, who was blindly driving away. the backlight of the bus was enough for me to see the words, with her slim firm body press hard into mine as though she was cold, I began. It wasn't until I was into the flow of the peom that she again leaned into whisper another secret to me. nibbling on my neck, I did the best I could to maintain the flow of the write, she whispered to me " if you promis not to touch me, I promis I'll touch you". I lost my flow.. how could I not.. I nodded while I picked when I left off. I reread the second cantos of hell to her pretty much the rest of the way to T.O. only stopping when needed to. I would if I thought I could describe what she did to me on that trip. but alsas I have no more words for you. but in rememberance even now I shake from it. her touch so warm, her kiss like deep spiced wines of lore. her intoxicating voice wishpering sinful bliss. I know her name, but I will not for respect.
this is my trip to toronto. the women of my dreams, in a sence. the one girl I could feel .. by feel I mean feel the emotions she was expressing that night.
you may beleive this, you may not.. personally I dont give a fuck lol.. because I'll never forget this. .not for even a moment ..

in final note, my kitty is 3 this year I beleive, and i'll coment on the other coments I've gotten soon as I can.

2:08 AM