It has been way to long, I know. the "new System" i was working on went belly up, along with my job and pretty much the life I was living lol.. not all bad not al good.  I've moved so far from who I am now that I just don't know any more. Almost all my dream have fallen short of success, doesn't stop me though.  still engaged, still 2 kids with Asd.


  I've lost my old blog and still am trying to retrieve it again. I hope to finish what I had started so long ago, if only for a printable archive. To be honest I don't even know why I came back here. I used to love to write, I used to have the creative energy of nuke. now though I'm just tired, as I've always been but now It's different. with my fatigue comes apathy and depression. My Thoughts no longer fill with rage and ambition, but darkened doubt and betrayal.

part 8 old blog, getting juicy

more the older stuff

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14 Apr 2007

coming undone

do you remember

sometimes
ahh, can you still hear her..
no.. yes.. I dont know .. its been so long..
not really.. I mean .. i'm in here too.. I know how you feel.. not much different from then .. dont you
yes, yes I can hear her. fuck it.. I can even remember the warmth of her pooling blood as it spilled out of her body drenching me.. I remember the sirens.. the lights.. the drunk wandering around trying to figure out where he was.. his car parked in some ones bedroom.. I dont think they'll be waking up. I rememebr it all.. why the fuck do you ask.
you asked your self.
fuck you
oh come now.. you were so young back then.. how could you possibly feel like this.
you dont under stand. she is the nameless wonder of my life.. a women so beautiful... her long red flowing hair... her freckles and classic emerald eyes... her pure pale skin.. I may have been young.. but not young enough to not know love.
you were just friends.. you never laid a hand onher.. although.. it must have been temping, considering she trusted you so much, to change in front of you like you where a girl friend of hers..
I loved her as though she was the only friend I would ever have.
you ever think maybe she did that to you as a tease..
you dont understand dam it.. it wasn't like that.. she .. arg... it would have been impossble for her to do that.. that kind of shit just wasn't her..
its a shame though.. you ever wonder what would have come of you two .. if she hadn't wanted to walk home from the dance with you.
I miss her so much.
to think you could have been something I bet.. made a man of yerself so to speak.
fuck you .. why you always gota go there..
cause you wont.
its dam good you dont have a body of your own.
heh... oh look.. remember..
yes.
you were the last person she saw.
I know.
the last one to hold her as she spilled out on to the sidwalk.
stop
remember her smile.. her broken teeth, torn face..
please .. stop
you remember what she said.
I'lll never forget.. but I'm going to forget you now..
oh ? how so..
with beer.
oh .. clever.
no .. i'm giving up now.. you win..

(in memory of a lost friend.)

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30 Mar 2007

slave with out a master

Current mood:horny

its cold here, so cold and dark in this smal hollow I've created.. I can hear the echo's of life around me, and I press harder against the walls, want more and more to escape the vile cheerfulness of the sun,and the people wiith in it. solitude is my craving. their laughter grates along my spine like nails on a chalk board. I want my leather.. I miss my collar so much.. once I was safe in the confines of servitude to my master.. she was such a beautiful woman, adorned with spikes black pvc and leather.. merciless as well. she wouldn't tolerate the laughter, the joy around me now.. she would have made it all go away. I miss the pain of her Flogs, the sting as her nails cut into my skin as she commanded me to pleasure her in ways that truely defiled the purity of love. I miss the cold heartless stare she would give me before she would bless me with furies session of rending lashes and cigerette burns..

I miss my dungeon....

Dear Nalia

I want to run, i want to go so faraway I want this to end. today
i waant to go some where it isn't fun, I want to go and take you away.

everything around me feels like a joke, fake and wasted.

I want to talk to you. like all teh otehrs .. I want to show you my world, I want you to see what needs to be seen. I want you to be taking from things I can not control.. Im going to try this again.. I tried last night..

Dear Nalia, my love, my daughter

I've been staring at this white screen for Several hours. Daddy wants to talk to you. i dont know how to. Well.. um. I miss you a whole lot yea know. I hope. I didn't get to much time with you, we both know thats true. doesn't change how much I love you though. you mean so much to me, but I have such a hard time here.

Oh, god.. where do I start. well baby girl, it's liek this see. I didn't want you to go. I wanted to show you so much. Like how ties up yer shoes, blow bubble gum bubbles.. I wanted to be ther to help you ride a bike.

who am I kidding.. i'm here now, writting to you because I can't let you go. i dont want to even consider the idea. Even if it means I spend my years in an endless cycle of grief. you meant so much to me. you DO mean so much to me. you have the right to know. when I heard your mommy tell me you were coming. I was so affraid. i was so affriad of what we as a family would do. you see baby girls, you dad's a fool.. we were in such a bad home. there was drugs wafting from the neighbors, the house wreaked of mildew and rusted nails sticking out of everywhere. it was no place for a beautiful baby girl.

i was so affraid of how we would be able to pay the bills. I wasn't working much, and Im still not working. between the money and the place I was so scared.. and yes as much as it kills me to say the mention of aborting came up. you see thats why mommy calls me a murderer. my fears over took the happyness i had. i'm so sorry .. I couldn't be strong enough to hold it above everything else. I didn't want to give up and I truely didn't. yea the topics of what we were going to do came up and passed.

Nalia I wish you could beleive in me. I want to have you in my arms again so much and im so sorry I blew it. missunderstanding or not, from that one basic second, inifinitly endless moment I failed you, me and mommy were at odds. we weren't liek most with fighting and such.. we knew enough to know better.

There is so many times, I wanted to put my hand on your mothers tummy. just to be there with you and her. I dont thik I ever did, or got that chance. that whole time was so blurry.
I wish I could see you, I wish I could see the look on your face, or feel your take my finger in your hand. some could call me insane, or at least unstable.. I dont care. I can hear you I know its my mind making it up out of shear will .. but I dont care because Its nothing more then a symbol of exactly how much I wanted you and pay's tribute to the fact that even though I made one mistake when I was weak with fear, That I do love you, and want you. i hope you know there was never any merit to the idea.. if was nothing more then a fleeting suggested out of fear.

you'd be one now. I wonder if you'd have blond hair.. what your eye color would be..I wish I could see you. I wonder if you'd be talking.. and what yoru first words were. this past years asi'm sure you have been watching has beeen pretty rough. i've continued with my failure's into a downward spiral of hate and malice all the while clinging desprately to some kind of hope. so I haven't totally failed, not yet.
so many hours have past tonight of me just staring at this screen, forcing myself to face what has happened to you. i've never cried so much in my entire life. I fell like i have to though. i have to face what I did. I have to be blamed for everything. I have to pay for my mistake and for you I would pay for all time. even if it doesn't make a difference.

the only things i've ever wanted to truely say is im sorry and how much I love you. i've wanted to say this to you so bad, and to your mother. I come here to beg your forgivness because yer mom doesn't want to accept that I am truely sorry that things went like this. so I turn to you, ignorantly putting on you even though you dont deserve that weight.. and thats what tonight is about. that why i'm hear facing all the pain inside. this letter is just getting out of hand now..I can feel the anger bulding up. it is there because I truely dont feel your death was my fault.

your mother says other wise, but the only sense I can make of it is when I said abortion.. and from that she derived this idea I didn't care or want you. hense me being a murderer. it just wasn't like that. im not like that. but from that point on it was my fault. i dont think there was a "real person" to blame. I dont know what happend.. no that isn't right and you know that. but you also know I can't say that.

it seems my thoughts have flipped again, i've become malicious and vindictive..

I love you Nalia, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and i am Truely sory I have failed to be your father

to much to soon to fast.

something has to be said before it's to late. some time in my life I was suposed to be moleested by my male babysitter, he was a son of my mothers closest friend, from what ive been told. I Do not Know if this is True. I have no memory of it. I have no feelings of it. I do not know what to think. I search for answers and I can not find them. less the rumors ive been told. my closest family says to the contrary. I have all the signs. I have the symptoms of PTSD. I have odd ques that make me flip out.. things happen in my sleep I can not say. there is pain, and anger. confusion. I just dont understand why it woud be said, and verified by my next of kin. and yet theres nothing to prove it. to remorse. no one saying sorry. noting there. cept now I'm near 30 and tired. I'm wired and can't sleep. the idea of meeting people new is impossible. I'm terrified. I want to be close to the ones I love but I can not even go with in 20 feet should they be around people I do not know. condemmed to live a life like this?

where did it all come from. how did it happen.. when did I become so ignorant and afraid of my world. I am trapped in a bubble that affords me the freedoms of life, and all its pleasures. yet i am denied by my own course not to endulge in the simplest things. such as friendships, love, happiness.

the more i think about it. the more it hurts in me. i do not cry. i choke though, alot. I self destruct. I hate, I lash out at anything around me. my belonging get moved and Im lost and confused, unable to make sense of my home there after. I eat foods that are sour and expired to suffer the fate of vomiting and cramps. and for what you may wonder. because it hurts inside and I can't get it out. ive looked for help. Ive looked for friend I had. but they can just listen and relate to bits I purge. no one wants to hear my story. no one could understand the confused reproduction of senseless fact in my mind. I was born in the year 80. but i remember the years as though it was all at once, over laping..

I watch walt disney movies with my kids an I choke back my own pain. I do not understand this. I want to cry out. I want to yell I want to break the hold this unseen force has apon who I am. and yet I suffer in silence while my family looks on, uncertain how to act, behave or even if its worth trying to talk to me.

there is no roots in my blood. no one place to call home in my past. there is no history sound enough to remember in a manner I can figure out. I saw the home videos of my past, I remember those. but why can I not remember anything beyond what I saw. when I do. it becomes shady, foggy and mixed up. I remember playing nintendo when I was in new brunswick.... I was barley 6 years old when i left N.B .. nintendo hadn't been created yet. why is this happening.. why do I remember fighting, running and hurting people when I was on the streets.. was I on the streets? how can that be. I dont remember.. but I remember being cold and stuffing new papers in my cloths.. why? why .. why when I think of this all it hurts so much.. I feel like my eyes are going to explode.. it hurts so much to recall anything I dont quite remember.

should I try to do homework, I fall alseep.. when ever I try to read .. try to learn, or try to use memory enhancing stratigies I pass out. am I not allowed to remember? am I retard.. the fear I once loved has sent me spirilling out of control, farther and father away from who I am. not that I knew what that was even before my collapse. I am broken.