mornings

I woke up this morning in such spot.. I was filled with hate, rage anger.. my mind seem stuck in places I can't forget. I feel pain so much so often. it's sickening that this is how I am. i've spent the last few years Trying desprately to be positive. thinking and acting to the best of my ability to be happy. it's hard fucking work I say. today started like so many in the past that it's even harder not to scream out of terror I feel for the pain in me. not to mention every tim eI feel I need to change me, it always comes back to the same place. the hate, anger and pain. It's nothing for me to just stop, I've been there knocking on that door so often it's cause me more pain that I dont open the door. I have kids so I can't I have people who depend on me to be there, even if it's just for a hug. so I don't open it..

although it's like people dont get it. it's what I want, it has been for years and years.. 20+ years I've been living with the grief of living.. the pain others saught to place apon my shoulders because they couldn't bare it. the depressions and sorrows and whoes of all those people now resting soley on my shoulders, while they move forward and into a bright and lasting future it's all I can do to breath.

I want death. absolute, unlieing, total truth. the one thing in existence I can trust, love with out fear of pain, desire with out retribution. death does not have the cruelty that life offers.
for me death is simple and straight to the point. you dead, that it. if there is heaven and hell, limbo and the sorts then fine. if Im going to suffer in death then so be it.
there is no greater pain then to love a person. period. people lie, cheat, JUSTIFY there action through selfish logic. people cause pain, bring about plagues of saddness and force pain down your throat, over and over it's about them, it's about how they feel, it's about what they want, it's about what needs to be done for them to be happy.

in all the support, in all the "love" in all the life you lead with that one person you love. it's for them. all of it, even life it self seems to stop you from making that one final choice. death.
what if I chose that line, what happens if I did choose my self over the others. I would be proclaimed illegal, coward, self involved loser.

is that the truth though? would the people I was there for stand up and say that isn't right? woudl they tell their tell in truth to the fact of my aid, my honor? and my efforts to help them? would the ones I love, loved stand up and say no to any that cursed my choice, woudl they tell of how I would, and did go to the farthest lengths to make them feel loved, happy, cared about, ...wanted. would people tell of how in all the things I did do, as meager as they may have been in thier perceptions be able to say I was good, and strong, real, decent and that it was the lies of mankind, humanities self indulgent way that killed me.

no, no one in there right mind wwould have the balls to stand up for someone like me. This isn't a pity rant, I want non of that, Im mearly looking at the fact that to choose death before she chooses me, is considered wrong, and the world around me would simply take advantage of the moment to cry and feel sorry for themselves, to take there momentary spot light of who feels more pseudo pain for my lose then the others.

I want death, I always have, I accepted the challenge of life, but I do not want it, not any more. I cant lie in this perpetually falsified life. I dont want people to pretend they love me, I do not want to be lied to, given half truths and grey areas... I dont want to be faked into believing I am wanted, cared about or cared for, loved, enjoyed, respected, or anything that Anyone else in this life/world gets from people around them.

Im tired of telling myself to trust when it turns out to be lies, only to be instructed it wasn't a lie, merely I did not understand the intentions and meaning of wut was told to me.. if Im that idiotic then cast me out to the piss filled sewers and unmarked grve of those not worth living. put me where I belong amongst the weak and dammed.

cease the taunting and teasing with the morsels of life I do crave. leave your warming nurturing arms at bay. do not dangle love, happiness and all the things I hold so holy to my heart in front of me only to take it way for wut you want.

this isn't a matter of poor me, slice slice crap either I feel no pain in writting these words. after 20+ years of living with it, I have grown quite numb to the idea of death. I do not choose it as a way out, I no longer feel guilt and regret for wanting it. I simply want life to end.

I dont want to wake up feeling wrong, sick, sad, hurt, angry, upset drepessed. I dont want to be held and and loved by those that would see me burn in the flames of what they can justify as righteousness penants.
father I have sinned for those made in your image at their behest. I choose my fate in life, to do the thing I was meant to do for others around me, for their sake, and for mine. and really it's time for me to leave and go back to the mud filth and dirt of my grave.

grammer speling check later.. I'm being summoned for more of others needs, and thus mine are to be swept aside once again.

to my baby girl

I remember the screaming sobbing. I remember the first time I saw her. our baby girl, so tiny, so fragile. I loved her so much. they took her away,warmed her, wrapped her up in a warm blanket. we sat with her. we cried.
we cried so much. we talked to her. we told her we love her. that she was beautiful and I want her back. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want them to take her away from us. and deep inside it hurt so much. I beg I beg so much. we thought maybe, maybe theres a chance left somewhere in this Sick and Perverted world that our baby girl moved. that she was still there, while we waited. that false sense of hope cept us from breaking down.

I begged, I pleaded to god, "let her breath" "let her cry out for ehr daddy, her mommy. let her be okay.

I was using the xbox-fable 2- my wife came to me from the washroom. she said she was expecting.. I froze, i paniced.. I was so happy and so scared. I dont want to be here like this. I want to see her. just one more time.. I want to be with her, I want our beautiful little girl to laugh and giggle. I want to hear her cry. I want to give her a hug.

my soul was so weak. my bones and nerves resoulved to not allow me to collaspe.. I walked aimlessly dazed from the elevator, in the hall, and I felt everything . I remember letting go, like I was 500 ft up in the air and I just let go, free falling to the floor, Balling, begging and sobbing.. I hated that nurse.. she took her away, I felt the blanket going cold and It was everything I could do not to scream in vicious horror that my baby wasn't coming home. instead i was left with a sickly calm apon me.

I didn't want to let go. I wanted more time.. more time to tell her that im sorry. to tell her again how much we love her. I wanted her to know her daddy. her bothers, her mommy. everyday I miss her so much.. it is like a heavy lump I just can't swallow. the guilt. the pain. the loss.

I close my eyes and I can see you darling. when I'm awake your there just behind my eyes. i can still feel you even though it feels so long ago.. sometimes when I start to fall asleep, I can almost hear you. i'm sorry baby.. daddy can't sleep right now