old blog part 7- insanity at it's best

more older  blogs, enjoy share it if you could please lol would like to get this stuff out and read/commented on.... in english please
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18 Mar 2007

mad ramblings

Current mood:tired

its in there.. I know it is.. i've felt it a hundred times before.. and old fire.. beyond the years of my life.. beyond that which time it self has tracked.. a fire burning. white hot, an endless flame that lights my nerves a blaze with sensation. almost like being on E. but with out the fluid draining from my spine. I can't explain. but more often then not that fire has be dimmed and relitively unfelt for many years now.. with out me realizing it.. its be so far away from me. i've grown accustom to not having it around. but lately its come back.. in force, there are times when I can feel the burn inside me, so much so that I begin to sweat. I can feel the life I had before the end came to me. I know I made the choice to let it go. in hopes I could grasp control of my life again. but now its back, I'm happy to feel it again. in time to help me above the closing darkness I feel creeping across my mind and body.. I should say though. it's only when Im around certain people, do I feel the life come back to me . only when I'm with them do I feel as though I'm not some corperate drone shuffling about some grey and bleek office building making up useless policys to bring everyone else down.. well you get the idea dont you. I haven't known many people in the past 6 years now I've been reasonably non existent, or a shadow of what I used to be. its hard to brake that habit. its hard to be something other then that shadow I've known for so long. I can see the surace of the water.. even with my debts regrets and painful thoughts of remorse for my past I can feel the surface of the waters around me.. as though I'm slowly getting closer to life.. maybe I can breath freely again.. some day soon I hope. I'm so tired of this self induced purgatory I have placed myself in .. now I'm so lost that I dont remember how to swim.. and I dont think I can tread this water much longer.. so this wieght lifted from me seems to give me strength and hope that one day soon I will be me again. I'm sure you know what I mean.. the shell we place ourselves in .. the little hollow'd room with nothing but ourselves and our own demons in it. is it worth it to look beyond today .. I cant help but wonder that.. I can't help but wonder alot of things.. things that make me unsure of who I am .. I used to try to be a good person but nowa days I just try not to piss anyone off .. too much.
seen this before lost it back then.. not sure what happened.. but like most times I'll prolly fuck this up too.. they dont know me.. they dont know what I am like.. most of the friends I had didn't know me ntil it was to late as well.. and things worked out fine then.. but I still am afraid to showup and be me.. I wish I could do that again.. I want to be the freak I was so long ago. if I could figure out a means to pay the bills and still be the dark stain on public eye I was, would be a dream come true
do you ever get tired when you start to clean.. its the most fucked up thing. i start to clean the house and before I'm done with a single chore I'm so tired I could easily curl up and go to sleep.. same thing happens when I'm reading. aww fuck it.. I'm gonna go to sleep then.. ciao ciao

4:36am

fail dad

woo.. is this stress? is this life? I just dont know how to tell. where does that line come into play? is there a line? I mean is life stress? im sure to find a bumper sticker that says just that.. but what now.. I can't just turn and walk. that dont work anymore.. im to old, theres to much as stake. it hurts to see myself in this place.. this spot in life. theres still so much oppertunities, chances ahead of me, of us. but here I am again.. hidden away in the basement. just trying to keep things happy, calm.. I want to help out, but I can't.. when I try to involve myself, im pushed aside, underminded and ignored. our oldest is the poster for this familys attitude towards me. my youngest I cling to when I can.. and he know it.. am I sad? tired? and I sick in the head to live like this? will I endure until my snapping point and become like that freak on crimminal minds.. a door mat to his family, until he snaps kills them and makes up a delousion to live in? okay well thats rather laughable lol.. just god dam..

I can't even clean.. because whats the point, there is no attemps to keep it that way. i'm pressing into my 30's wether I want to or not.. but no one in this house is even close to growing up.. .....


sometimes I just want to scream what my definition is.
I'm not a red neck.. im not a slob. im not dirty. im not care free or careless. im focused. im clean. im structured. i have a way of doign things.. i dont expect others to follow. I was raised with respect. responcibilities. spelling isn't one of them. habits.. habit .. habits.. I have bad ones. I have good ones.. but this? i can't .. can I ? i dont know anymore.. I jsut dont know.. hell I've never known until its over.. hindsight and all that.. lessons learned.. I was taught to learn. to adapt. to create boundries and lines.. places not to cross, places you just dont let happen. but thats all on the inside.. hidden away like me, here in the basement.. either not allowed to surface, or unwilling to be lost in the turmoils of this life. something real of me, for a real life.. something special secret. thats how I feel. thats how this feels.. a stop over to the rest .. rest of what? .... what, wut, wat.. wot... what.. I know this .. i know the answers and what Can come next. if you'd just listen to me, follow me, and do what I do, listen to whats said and Learn something.. I dont care about teh "buts" if I look up the sky is blue, and thats it.. right there,,... the sky is blue right there and then.. sure it can change.. it can turn tones and colors besides blue.. but right then at that point .. if its blue, its blue.. none of that ifs.. buts.. or what not.. its blue.


I feel liek your stealing from me.. sometimes everything, I dont know you anymore.. and judging by wut I can see, im not sure I want to. I think I resent you.. for taking my family away.. and making sure everytime I try to become part of it, you twist and fidle with word games until I just want to go back to my hole ... /fail dad

Dear Nalia

I want to run, i want to go so faraway I want this to end. today
i waant to go some where it isn't fun, I want to go and take you away.

everything around me feels like a joke, fake and wasted.

I want to talk to you. like all teh otehrs .. I want to show you my world, I want you to see what needs to be seen. I want you to be taking from things I can not control.. Im going to try this again.. I tried last night..

Dear Nalia, my love, my daughter

I've been staring at this white screen for Several hours. Daddy wants to talk to you. i dont know how to. Well.. um. I miss you a whole lot yea know. I hope. I didn't get to much time with you, we both know thats true. doesn't change how much I love you though. you mean so much to me, but I have such a hard time here.

Oh, god.. where do I start. well baby girl, it's liek this see. I didn't want you to go. I wanted to show you so much. Like how ties up yer shoes, blow bubble gum bubbles.. I wanted to be ther to help you ride a bike.

who am I kidding.. i'm here now, writting to you because I can't let you go. i dont want to even consider the idea. Even if it means I spend my years in an endless cycle of grief. you meant so much to me. you DO mean so much to me. you have the right to know. when I heard your mommy tell me you were coming. I was so affraid. i was so affriad of what we as a family would do. you see baby girls, you dad's a fool.. we were in such a bad home. there was drugs wafting from the neighbors, the house wreaked of mildew and rusted nails sticking out of everywhere. it was no place for a beautiful baby girl.

i was so affraid of how we would be able to pay the bills. I wasn't working much, and Im still not working. between the money and the place I was so scared.. and yes as much as it kills me to say the mention of aborting came up. you see thats why mommy calls me a murderer. my fears over took the happyness i had. i'm so sorry .. I couldn't be strong enough to hold it above everything else. I didn't want to give up and I truely didn't. yea the topics of what we were going to do came up and passed.

Nalia I wish you could beleive in me. I want to have you in my arms again so much and im so sorry I blew it. missunderstanding or not, from that one basic second, inifinitly endless moment I failed you, me and mommy were at odds. we weren't liek most with fighting and such.. we knew enough to know better.

There is so many times, I wanted to put my hand on your mothers tummy. just to be there with you and her. I dont thik I ever did, or got that chance. that whole time was so blurry.
I wish I could see you, I wish I could see the look on your face, or feel your take my finger in your hand. some could call me insane, or at least unstable.. I dont care. I can hear you I know its my mind making it up out of shear will .. but I dont care because Its nothing more then a symbol of exactly how much I wanted you and pay's tribute to the fact that even though I made one mistake when I was weak with fear, That I do love you, and want you. i hope you know there was never any merit to the idea.. if was nothing more then a fleeting suggested out of fear.

you'd be one now. I wonder if you'd have blond hair.. what your eye color would be..I wish I could see you. I wonder if you'd be talking.. and what yoru first words were. this past years asi'm sure you have been watching has beeen pretty rough. i've continued with my failure's into a downward spiral of hate and malice all the while clinging desprately to some kind of hope. so I haven't totally failed, not yet.
so many hours have past tonight of me just staring at this screen, forcing myself to face what has happened to you. i've never cried so much in my entire life. I fell like i have to though. i have to face what I did. I have to be blamed for everything. I have to pay for my mistake and for you I would pay for all time. even if it doesn't make a difference.

the only things i've ever wanted to truely say is im sorry and how much I love you. i've wanted to say this to you so bad, and to your mother. I come here to beg your forgivness because yer mom doesn't want to accept that I am truely sorry that things went like this. so I turn to you, ignorantly putting on you even though you dont deserve that weight.. and thats what tonight is about. that why i'm hear facing all the pain inside. this letter is just getting out of hand now..I can feel the anger bulding up. it is there because I truely dont feel your death was my fault.

your mother says other wise, but the only sense I can make of it is when I said abortion.. and from that she derived this idea I didn't care or want you. hense me being a murderer. it just wasn't like that. im not like that. but from that point on it was my fault. i dont think there was a "real person" to blame. I dont know what happend.. no that isn't right and you know that. but you also know I can't say that.

it seems my thoughts have flipped again, i've become malicious and vindictive..

I love you Nalia, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and i am Truely sory I have failed to be your father