it's unbelievable.
the amount of time just end up sitting, staring through the screen.
there was a time, i could just type.. endlessly about anything. secure in myself. proud, nearly fearless. believing in myself. i've faced some pretty big demons in the past. demons that never seem to die.. it was nothing to toss them aside and move forward in victory. it was not victory though. no it was a methodical stripping of everything i was and dreamed of becoming. i silenced. everyone breathed a sigh of relief. fear beat me, it beat me with success as it's weapon. i have to change something. myself ended when i silenced my voice. you can roll your eyes and brush me off as just another emo temper tantrum. And thats okay, but you ( who ever is reading this) must understand this will be the single most feared filled post i've ever posted. fear from the fallout.. the punishment that will follow with out a doubt.
where do i start. for one, i think this is more for me, for some reason i don't keep.. no. no that isn't right at all.. i stopped keeping a home journal. due to fear.
i keep lying to myself. i keep justifying ... it has to be called out.
42 year old male. presenting uncontrolled trauma bonding.
perceptions through the eyes of a underdeveloped teenager. my brain is aging. the reality around me tearing down the imposed delusions.
42 year old male, presenting uncontrolled trauma bonding, depression, anxiety, suicidal.
subject suffering from intense social paranoia, trust issues as a result of years of gas lighting, verbal abuse, violence.
i can't talk to my friends. i can't tell my parents. i used to be so free, so vocal. everyone needs to know, everyone needs to see.. see... See ME. see the words trapped behind my fear. except you. you know, you prevent my voice.. stolen.. gutted .. i sought help. you can't control that. can you ?
42 year old male, presenting uncontrolled trauma bonding, depression, anxiety, suicidal. socially withdrawn, social anxiety, self harming.
subject suffering from intense social paranoia, trust issues as a result of years of gas lighting, trauma bonding, verbal abuse, violence. subject repeats a quote when stressed " his car is like his second home". subject claims that quote is what brought him here. further questioning results in tremors and crying.
42 year old male, presenting uncontrolled trauma bonding, depression, anxiety, suicidal. socially withdrawn, social anxiety. memory failure, delusions.
subject returned, showing signs of hope? diminished once session proceeded, subject refusal of self harm treatment, encouraging. questioning subject causing walls to flake and crack. soon after subject broke down, devolving into wailing fits while crying.
Interestingly the subject seem to be able to acknowledge his need for assistance. suicide may be preventable. The only legible words during this session, "lie" "help" "truth" the word lie repeated multiple times. subject ended session in nearly unresponsive state, only acknowledging basic non related questions.
i am that 42 year old male. and, i am in ( redacted text i can't handle the punishment )
- 33 minutes, still can not press publish -
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