to much to soon to fast.

something has to be said before it's to late. some time in my life I was suposed to be moleested by my male babysitter, he was a son of my mothers closest friend, from what ive been told. I Do not Know if this is True. I have no memory of it. I have no feelings of it. I do not know what to think. I search for answers and I can not find them. less the rumors ive been told. my closest family says to the contrary. I have all the signs. I have the symptoms of PTSD. I have odd ques that make me flip out.. things happen in my sleep I can not say. there is pain, and anger. confusion. I just dont understand why it woud be said, and verified by my next of kin. and yet theres nothing to prove it. to remorse. no one saying sorry. noting there. cept now I'm near 30 and tired. I'm wired and can't sleep. the idea of meeting people new is impossible. I'm terrified. I want to be close to the ones I love but I can not even go with in 20 feet should they be around people I do not know. condemmed to live a life like this?

where did it all come from. how did it happen.. when did I become so ignorant and afraid of my world. I am trapped in a bubble that affords me the freedoms of life, and all its pleasures. yet i am denied by my own course not to endulge in the simplest things. such as friendships, love, happiness.

the more i think about it. the more it hurts in me. i do not cry. i choke though, alot. I self destruct. I hate, I lash out at anything around me. my belonging get moved and Im lost and confused, unable to make sense of my home there after. I eat foods that are sour and expired to suffer the fate of vomiting and cramps. and for what you may wonder. because it hurts inside and I can't get it out. ive looked for help. Ive looked for friend I had. but they can just listen and relate to bits I purge. no one wants to hear my story. no one could understand the confused reproduction of senseless fact in my mind. I was born in the year 80. but i remember the years as though it was all at once, over laping..

I watch walt disney movies with my kids an I choke back my own pain. I do not understand this. I want to cry out. I want to yell I want to break the hold this unseen force has apon who I am. and yet I suffer in silence while my family looks on, uncertain how to act, behave or even if its worth trying to talk to me.

there is no roots in my blood. no one place to call home in my past. there is no history sound enough to remember in a manner I can figure out. I saw the home videos of my past, I remember those. but why can I not remember anything beyond what I saw. when I do. it becomes shady, foggy and mixed up. I remember playing nintendo when I was in new brunswick.... I was barley 6 years old when i left N.B .. nintendo hadn't been created yet. why is this happening.. why do I remember fighting, running and hurting people when I was on the streets.. was I on the streets? how can that be. I dont remember.. but I remember being cold and stuffing new papers in my cloths.. why? why .. why when I think of this all it hurts so much.. I feel like my eyes are going to explode.. it hurts so much to recall anything I dont quite remember.

should I try to do homework, I fall alseep.. when ever I try to read .. try to learn, or try to use memory enhancing stratigies I pass out. am I not allowed to remember? am I retard.. the fear I once loved has sent me spirilling out of control, farther and father away from who I am. not that I knew what that was even before my collapse. I am broken.