unexpected.... can it be okay to feel.

I am saddened and nearly heart broken by a video game of all things... its a curious circumstance. is this the rpg video game the new paper back novel? for those that still read paper backs, you know whatI mean.. loosing yourself to the story, page of end pages of different worlds with different characters, relating to them, in approval or scorn of their choices but none the less turning page after page of story...



the emotional investment one places in those books, has come to me in this game.. I will not name it, as though its my saving grace, or diamond in the rough. but as i listened to her song, as I felt her voice slip past the hardened angered person I normally am. my heart gave pause, my skin became tangable and alive with goose bumps. as her song played, I felt it inside my body, as though my innards had goose bumps as well.



a heavy lump began to mass in my throat, and it was all I could to hold back memory after memory of myself, in a kind of reflection... I layed my head low, allowing her music into myself.

it was all I could do not to hold my resolve and not begin to cry. i wanted to cry for her song was of saddness and hope, but I wanted to cry for her as well, as in this game my character had an invested intest, only to betray her at a critical moment, and when my memories began to flow it was even more of a reason.





many here do not know me well enough to know.. but for me to remember something of my past is a feat, to be achieved only by the godess and gods themselves..

to my baby girl

I remember the screaming sobbing. I remember the first time I saw her. our baby girl, so tiny, so fragile. I loved her so much. they took her away,warmed her, wrapped her up in a warm blanket. we sat with her. we cried.
we cried so much. we talked to her. we told her we love her. that she was beautiful and I want her back. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want them to take her away from us. and deep inside it hurt so much. I beg I beg so much. we thought maybe, maybe theres a chance left somewhere in this Sick and Perverted world that our baby girl moved. that she was still there, while we waited. that false sense of hope cept us from breaking down.

I begged, I pleaded to god, "let her breath" "let her cry out for ehr daddy, her mommy. let her be okay.

I was using the xbox-fable 2- my wife came to me from the washroom. she said she was expecting.. I froze, i paniced.. I was so happy and so scared. I dont want to be here like this. I want to see her. just one more time.. I want to be with her, I want our beautiful little girl to laugh and giggle. I want to hear her cry. I want to give her a hug.

my soul was so weak. my bones and nerves resoulved to not allow me to collaspe.. I walked aimlessly dazed from the elevator, in the hall, and I felt everything . I remember letting go, like I was 500 ft up in the air and I just let go, free falling to the floor, Balling, begging and sobbing.. I hated that nurse.. she took her away, I felt the blanket going cold and It was everything I could do not to scream in vicious horror that my baby wasn't coming home. instead i was left with a sickly calm apon me.

I didn't want to let go. I wanted more time.. more time to tell her that im sorry. to tell her again how much we love her. I wanted her to know her daddy. her bothers, her mommy. everyday I miss her so much.. it is like a heavy lump I just can't swallow. the guilt. the pain. the loss.

I close my eyes and I can see you darling. when I'm awake your there just behind my eyes. i can still feel you even though it feels so long ago.. sometimes when I start to fall asleep, I can almost hear you. i'm sorry baby.. daddy can't sleep right now