Can you understand fear? people have tried. myelf I feel fear, and through that I can understand the basics. I fear alot of things. so much so it has become an deterent to my life. I cling to the familar like I pathetic whelp tring to avoid the school yard bulley.

its not how I want to live my life. Im trapped by it. I never feel safe anymore. I can't leave my home unless I know Exactly how long I'll be gone, how far I have to go. Even then I find it harder and harder to leave to do the things I need to do.

I know I need help, but there is no help for kin like me. I am considered lost and waste of time. I've been fighting an up hill battle with myself and the rest of the world around me.

Constantly baraged by new broad casts of how our goverment is failing us, but no one seems to do anything about it. I see the broadcasts about the end of the world. how things are going to become evil and devestating... my stomach wrenches at the idea. the world we know ending.. I have a family. two sons, soon a third child. and in two years our lives are over?

and then what if it doesn't come, the end that is. then there's dealing with a corrupt goverment power seeking to enthrall us. images of policing forces becoming militant, raping and abusing the power instilled in them. my family, my family .. in this world. why, why does it have to be like this? why does the chance of this happening even exist.

greed, power, and everything else. I dont see why we all have to live in such horrid expectations of our lives. I dont see why I need to be afraid that some time in the future of my life, some governing body solider sees my wife and decides to have his way with her because he has the power to abuse apon her.

why do I live with these possible fears? why do I have to have these images in my mind all the time. why am I so afraid for my family. my sons, my wife.. it's always there or some other demented horrid thoughts...

all my life this is how I grew up. if I wasn't being told about every possible way the demon that is to be human was going to come after me and my loved ones, I was afraid something was wrong. some can say it wont happen.. or thats it not likely. but you cant say that. in this age, kids carry guns, in this age child sexual assults run through our lives like wild fires of lustful sin filled hate.

I dont understand why it can happen, why it has happened. if you walking down the street and see someone atractive, what would make you for-go the courting process. what would make you rape them.. Why. it doesn't make sense to me.. why does these horrific acts have to happen. why can't the human race just leave themselves alone in peace.

we suffer so much at our own hands because people seem to need to be this way. as a kid playing ball in the school yard. kids from higher grades would come and take our ball, punch and hurts us then laugh at us.. Why.. why would you destroy a person like that?

it doesn't have to be like this I tell myself.. over and over and over. i can't beleive myself then how can I beleive the world. I dont want to see the hate I have in my mind. I dont want to feel the pain of all those women, child, or man alike suffer from the sensless acts of others pitiful lust, greed, or isanity. I dont want to be afraid. I dont want to see it anymore. I dont want to feel it. I dont want it...no more no more no more..

do you know? do you know what kind of life a man can lead with these things in his head. can you imagen what would become of such a man, terrified to leave his home. I sometimes wish I had help. I sometimes wish I could make us safe. I wish I could get over the fears inside me. I wish I could understand what everyone else does. I wish I could be safe too.. I dont want it anymore. I dont want to feel such grief. I dont want to be powerless against those in my life that would do me harm for there own means.

how could some one see the need to take anoteher mans wife in hateful lust.. how can you do that. what if that was your wife? how could you relate. I want it out. I want it out now. I want to sleep with out the dreams of the pain. i want to breath with out the heavey chest of some helpless soul pinned against her will.
I want to be away from this, I want it out. out out out out.. I am man.I am honest. I care. I fight for that right. but you haven't seen the horrors the way I have. its in everyting. every T.V. show. in every song, in every breath the human race breaths.
I want it out, gone gone gone ... I want it out. I want to sleep .. I dont want to feel what you went through, I dont want there hands one me. on me me me.. I dont want it. I didn't ask for it. I dont want to see it.... why do I have to .. everytime I close my eyes it's there in the shadows.. beyond the reach I dont want it.. no more no more I want it away. I want to sleep ..... I dont anymore, I didn't ask for this.. I didn't ask for it.. I didn't ask no no no .